Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

I was reminded of this issue a couple weeks back. My boss, a true mentor and an excellent supervisor, was fired. She made too much money and cut her salary.

For 16 years, she chased the corner office, got it and guided the company through our declining industry. I caught up with her last week. She is a mess. Crying from the guilt of not being home enough during her kids' formative years. She was the one woman I would have identified with as "having it all". Now she will have to move to another city if she wants a similar standard of living.

I play an evil, heartless conservative during a political chatter here. I do not advocate a 1950s return at all. Fathers then were much less engaged and far more distant than today. I had one (even in the 80s). Spent my childhood chasing corporate rungs and eventually got the corner office... When he moved 400 miles away from his 9 year old son. 30 years later, we aren't close. He is very well off but his balance was too much to work.

I think a family where ONE person is the alpha works best. It doesn't always have to be the man, either. We are in an era where plenty of men aren't out of the Draper Mold. Yet if one person (man or woman) is driven and provides, I just think it works better.

Yet this mythical "have it all" is just a.... phantom. I know. I chase it, too, at times. Successful, college educated women are constantly told they can do anything they want growing up. This leads to a sense of true entitlement. (slight political jab: there is one political party that plays into this, promising everything from free health care to free birth control).

But who sits these young women down and says:
- "for every kid you put in daycare as you work, you need to make 25k more than you would otherwise to cover the cost".
- "don't let all of the cleaning ads on TV make you obsessed about your house. Those are things. Just things."
- "your husband is probably not the idiot advertisers portray him as. You're also not the perfect little angel advertisers want you to feel like so you but their product."
- "don't worry about having it all. Do worry about giving your all to what you have."

 

I am a man and I would love to have it all but my work/life balance is too important to me. I work anywhere from 35 to 50 hours a week but am lucky enough to be able to manage my schedule with a great deal of flexibility.

My wife works in HR and took a great position working from home so we can manage key drop off times with the little kids (one starting kindergarten and a 10 month old)

I would love to be the sole breadwinner and have her home full time but we have chosen a lifestyle where we need 2 incomes, lots of travel, nice neighborhood, etc.

 

Not just two incomes for lifestyle but when your breadwinner is in our industry, you NEED that second income for when Firing Day eventually hits.

 

I'm wondering what exactly the definition of "have it all is"? If she can get a job like she had with a husband who did as much as he did at home and still feel like she can't have it all, then no she can't. But no one can.

I don't know what the expectations are in this case and many like it. I'm in a household where traditional gender roles are reversed. In fact I gave up much career wise for my wife even before that happened. I wouldn't change a thing for how our lives have turned out to this point and I want nothing more than for her to succeed and have given her every chance to do so.

If she wrote something like that I think I'd be offended. Sure she'd like to be around more and I know it bugs her when she misses something or the kids throw fits when she leaves or even when they won't give her a second alone when she's home, but she loves what she does and her family and she's (and we have) balanced it pretty well.

 

Having it "ALL" is a bs concept. Define "all." Not some sociologically trite psuedo-empowering mommytalk definition, your own definition. What does "all" mean to you? No one, male or female, gets it all. You can't be at the office late and still make it to the Little League games, you can't be at the Kindergarten tea if you're needed at the office, you can't go to the big convention in Vegas if you want to be home for the chicken pox.

I know SO many women who are completely tortured into paralysis over this topic, they never have a single happy moment because when they're at work they feel like bad moms, and when they're with the kids they feel like professional failures. Everyone trying to live up to a cliche media-driven standard about some mythic mega-mom.

Follow your own instincts. You have to define your own life, or someone else will define it for you. I figured out how to have it "all" when I realized it's technically impossible. Something has to give. Some days you feel like a fucking rock star, some days you feel like a fucking rock. It's okay. You get up every day with a plan, hope for the best, and don't fall apart if you have to start over again the next day.

 

I was thinking the same thing - what is "all"? I have a friend who seems to have it all. She has an amazing husband, who is smart, thoughtful, helpful and makes somewhere in the seven figures. She has a demanding, high-profile job that she loves. Her job provides incredible flexibility and she, too, gets paid very, very well. They have three well-adjusted, smart, attractive kids in their teens. They live in an incredible 8,000 square foot house that she helped design. They go on exotic vacations - as a couple and with the kids. They have a live-in nanny and another part-time nanny to help get the kids picked up from private school and to their after school activities or home. They are charitable. They are good friends. They are both self-made people who worked really, really hard to get to where they are.

But is my friend happy? Mostly no. She constantly feels guilty about not devoting enough time to any of what she does. She and her husband both travel a lot for work and there are times when they're both out of town. Her siblings are jealous of her and try to take advantage of her (sometimes she lets them because she feels guilty). She wishes she had more time to devote to charity (she already serves on the boards of several national charities). She thinks she's not thin enough (she is) and that she doesn't exercise enough. She wishes she ate more healthy. When I've (gently) suggested that she try to slow down, she looks at me like I'm nuts. I think she likes the chase to the mythical "all." There is no all.

 

exmedia used a good word: "entitlement." In this subset of women who are trying to "have it all" -- a subset that I don't think any of us can say how large it really is -- there's an inherent belief that because they have the college degrees and the work history and they are moms, they SHOULD be able to have it all. I suppose that is the message that has been handed down. But it seems very unfair to ask the rest of the company to pitch in and help this person "have it all" by giving allowances that other employees don't get or need.

It is inconvenient for the rest of the workplace when a key person is gone at 4:00 on a regular basis. It really is. I know people say they'll sign on from home and do emails and whatnot, but the gears do grind to a halt when people are on different schedules.

 

Larger frame. I think the having it "all" comes from expectations.

People in my age group (35-44) are just realizing that, as a generation, we won't have all of the security of our parents. My father is 71. He works because he loves his profession but still has a pension from his PR exec days 35 years ago and gets FULL social security. He doesn't seem to grasp why we cannot take long vacations (and I make a good living) because I tell him I am trying to sock away enough money where I can help my kids avoid 100k in college debt and try not to die at my desk when I am 77.

Lots of anxiety with our generation.

 

Ambition is a soul crusher.

The more you have of one, the less you have of the other.

We need people with ambition for sure, but to think you're gonna be soulfully ambitious is nothing but wishful thinking.

 

"All" is different to everyone. In a perfect world, I don't want to work fulltime anymore, but I'd love to work during the day while they are in school. I'd probably want to freelance too -- especially during football and basketball season.

Woman can have it all. We just have to multitask. Dr. J and I have been together for nine years this August. We've worked oppisite hours for our entire relationship and he refuses to take a full vacation. I've tried to switch my schedule at work so we can spend more time together.

 

This could be a thoughtful discussion, and some people have brought thoughtful points to the table.

But I see a lot of men passing judgment on stereotypes of women. You, sirs, are a large part of the problem. Shut your mouths and open your ears.

 

That's helpful.