Why Women Still Can’t Have It All

Totally.

Work for yourself, run your own life, trust your instincts, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

 

Lugnuts has posed a couple of important questions in this discussion that seem not to attract answers. I think it is because the answers are difficult to come by, but let me try.

She says she wants to raise two healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids while having time to spend with her husband and having time to spend on things important to her while having a professional life. She asked if that were possible.

Yes, it is possible. My wife did just that. Our two sons are now 36 and 38 years old.

There are a couple of things that need to be considered as "unalterable"...

1. There are only 168 hours in a week. No one is going to change that.

2. Despite the miracle attributed to St. Martin, you cannot be in two places at the same time.

Therefore, you need to budget time as carefully as you budget money. That means your professional career cannot be an open-ended commitment to time consuming activities - - or spending quality time with your husband and time on things that matter to you will have to diminish. That means that you and your husband will have to commit to being a "tag-team" when it comes to being present for all the things that your kids need you to be present for.

Can you accomplish all of this at the same time? Yes, you can - - given reasonable definitions of what "success" might mean in those four dimensions of your life.

Will it be easy? Once you and the rest of your family get into the "right operating mode" it will get easier; it will never be trivial.

I hope that helps. I hope that others will chime in here with more/better suggestions.

Bonne chance!

 

This one is my perennial favorite.

We NEED two incomes to pay for day care, which we wouldn't need if one of us was home with the kids.

 

p.s. to Lugnuts--Nothing can guarantee your children will be happy or healthy, whether you're a stay-at-home mom or completely absentee. Fight the battles you can, and don't try to control every part of the picture.

 

What if both parents have professional ambitions? Which one stays home with the kids? And why?

Or are ambitious individuals never meant to marry and have children?

 

I don't know why you keep pushing this thread in directions it hasn't gone or jumping to conclusions nobody is making. BTE's response (as was mine) was to the idea that someone "needs" to pay for day care.

The article actually dealt with, in quite detailed fashion, the idea of both parents sharing the load. All anyone is saying here is that there are sacrifices that go into the decision regardless of who or what gender you are, and that these sacrifices have been part of having big-boy/big-girl jobs forever.

 

This is a tough question. As someone who has ambition but also chose to stay home it's not impossible to do.

I started staying at home a little more than four years ago due to several factors -- daycare for a toddler and an infant was virtually eating my entire salary; my wife was gone a majority of the hours of the day (the full day, not just work day) so we needed a stable presence; my wife's earning potential always was and always will be much, much greater than mine and we've both been OK with that from day one; and I really didn't like my job at the time.

I will say this, to stay home is a huge decision and both spouses have to be comfortable in the decision. You have to be OK not going to an office every day or even having adult interaction. Even if my earning abilities were similar or out paced my wife's, she would never be able to stay home with the kids on a prolonged basis. It's just not in her nature. So regardless of gender, you have to be absolutely comfortable doing it or it won't be successful for your family regardless of economical or other benefits.

As for ambition, why does that have to start or stop with one's career? I moved up my career ladder pretty quickly yet had no problem taking a break from that, even a permanent one. I am ambitious to let my wife and family succeed. I get some freedom to try new things. I can still work on the side. There are probably more ways to be ambitious, at least for myself, now than when I was working full time.

I guess like asking how do you define "all", how do you define "ambition"?

As it's been said before, it all comes down to what you are comfortable with and what's best for your family and how you make it work.

 

One of the problems of modern society is that things have just gotten too damn expensive. Someone earlier said it takes $100k to support a family with two kids. Where you going to get that? Not as a sports reporter!!


I was better off 20 years ago when I made 1/3rd of what I did last year and things also cost 1/3rd of what they do now. $250 per month for rent, 85 cents a gallon for gas... you could actually make out a budget and live on it. I have no idea what private school, much less college, costs these days, but I would hazard a guess it's out of reach for an awful lot of people.

 

I really hope this wasn't intended. Otherwise, it's too stupid for words.

 

You can say that til the cow come home. Doesn't mean they're wrong. Nor did you address whether they're right or wrong. You simply lashed out.

 

Isn't that the crazy part?

When I was making 35k in a household of 60k, I felt like that was all the money in the world -- even with a newborn and one on the way.

Now in a house with close to 100k, we never seem to have enough and I feel this awful nagging pinch as my kids are halfway to college age. It is damn frustrating.

 

swenk and jackfinarelli: Y'all are awesome. Your posts got me through a tough day.

Let's see what happens...........