Worst lede ever

Oh. My. God.

As bad as that is, where is the copy editor on that one?

 

Any time I go seven paragraphs and about 150 words into a game story and I don't know the score or even who won, that qualifies for me. I don't care if we run score bugs with all games we cover, either, the score must be higher than that -- third paragraph at the absolute worst.

 

Any writer who uses the score bugs as an excuse for "setting the stage" into the sixth or seventh graf ... and there are some who do ... just do not get it.

 

I win. I found it back in November.

DATELINE - Journalists are often taught to grab the reader with their lead paragraph. But in a 76-point victory, what's left to grab?
One week after losing at (Crapsville), Poo City coasted to a 76-0 win over Dingleberry on Friday night at Fuck Stadium in a battle of two Shit County teams headed in opposite directions.

 

Man, Poo City's coach is such an asswipe.

 

Shitty beyond belief.

 

Hate to admit it, but I kinda liked this lead. A little self-indulgent in a TV way, sure, but it made me want to read it more than anything else the reporter could have possibly written.

 

There's a guy in the area who writes for a local paper. He's been there for years, probably in his 40's or 50's and tries way, way, way, WAY too hard to be cutesy. His stories usually follow the same format with a pair of three word phrases repeated throughout and mixed metaphors littering the road.

Here's one example I could find ...

Since cleanliness supposedly grabs some bench next to godliness, Podunk Central High School's Bocephus Kelly dusted off a patch of dirt on the mound like a minutiae maid with a glove.
After every pitch, Kelly persistently spread pebbles inside the ring, purposely tracking a routine path back to the rubber. With trademark sunglasses covering her eyes, the senior left-hander then portrayed the poised look of Lucy in her psychiatrist's booth, glaring down at a befuddled Charlie Brown.

The doctor was now in.

"When the batter is trying to get set, I don't want to be waiting for her," Kelly indicated. "I would rather have her wait for me to get ready, so it's just kind of an I'm-in-control type of thing that I've always liked."

Heating up like the Green Hornet, Kelly maintained the completist control on an afternoon that actually resembled spring. The Bumblefuck University-bound ace tossed a no-hitter Thursday with 14 strikeouts, stinging the Choad Monkeys to a 1-0 softball win over district rival Hooterville.

 

Dealing from a deck with No. 51 as his ace, Indians coach Will Bozo observed a first half built on 15 steals -- including 2 apiece by Koski, senior point guard Lisa Simpson, senior forward Laura Panic and sophomore center Erin Skis in an 18-3 first quarter bookended stealthily by Ashley's ashes.

They pressed. She impressed.

"We do the man-to-man press, which is really effective, and then we go to the 2-2-1, which also is really effective for us, so we have a lot of options that we can roll with," Koski said. "We see what we can do. We have a lot of quick people, too, and that's good for playing defense and our help defense."

Counting contributions Tuesday night as numerous as the cast of "Cats," the BFE girls made defensive music with help from Koski. The 5-foot-9 senior flirted with triple-double territory in the first half on 13 points, 6 steals and 4 rebounds, dancing the Indians to a 48-31 nonconference win over the host Cougars.

Sitting out the latter portion of the third quarter and the entire fourth, Koski led BFE (10-2) to its fourth straight victory with 13 points, 7 steals, 6 rebounds and 2 assists. Junior guard Anna Jozefiak added 8 points, 3 rebounds and 2 assists, while junior guard Nicole Wilk (4 assists, 3 rebounds, 2 steals) and Smith (5 rebounds, 5 steals, 2 assists) had 6 points.

Without the services of sophomore wing guard Morgan Williams -- waiting for medical clearance from a tweaked hamstring -- Hooterville South (3-9) saw its modest two-game win streak snapped. Twin sister Brittany Williams paced the Cougars with 9 points, 4 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 steals, but Lemont unleashed Skowronski and teeming team defense.

She pressed. They impressed.

"That's what we're capable of, and that has to make a difference for us because sometimes we don't shoot well," said Bozo, whose Indians actually converted a solid 42.2 percent (19-of-45), with 41.4 (12-of-29) in the first half and a fire-it-up 44.4 (8-of-18) in the first quarter. "Defense is what we're hanging our hat on."

"We always try to do our best on defense because our team motto is defense creates offense," confirmed Simpson, who complemented Koski in the first half with 6 points, 5 rebounds, 4 steals and 2 assists. "That's one of our strongest points as a team -- our defense. We try to help each other, get good steals and make smart decisions when we have the ball."

(And it ends ..)
Earlier, however, at the height of the fullcourt fight, BFE looked like a champion welterweight as Simpson and Co. represented the hand-in-hand tandem with the knockout punch of Koski.

They pressed. She pressed.

She impressed. They impressed.

"She's the one we can go to if we need a good basket," Simpson said. "We have a good system. The guards make the steals and we can always drop it off to Ashley."

 

I'm guessing there are people in town that have gotten accustomed to this guy's style, can read it and might actually like it. I'm sure there are other people that think it's "cute."
I'll venture to bet that for the average and/or casual reader, this gives them a splitting headache trying to read and they just stop reading.
There's trying hard, which I give the guy nano-props for actually attempting something other than a dry re-hashing. There's being creative. (However, if you keep doing the same thing over and over. That's not really creativity.) There's trying to grab readers ...

Then there's the two examples above ...

 

FishHack, those were physically painful to read.

 

Just take a couple Tylenol. I'll still bet there are people that love it in the area, but you should look at their family history of mental illness as well.