Worst lede ever

I'm sure we've all gone through that phase where no metaphor is off limits, no matter how stupid or cutesy it sounds. Fortunately, mine lasted a couple months rather than a couple decades. This is the worst one I've seen lately, from a former co-worker:

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and it doesn't matter whether Betty Pigface goes by her regular name or her nickname 'Piggy', she led the Jerktown Filthy Leprechauns to a hard fought 48-39 victory on Tuesday night."

 

A column on who should be the next Cowboys coach begins, "It makes so much sense, it's almost scary."

Is this the ESPN effect? Or maybe the ESPN affectation, where sportswriters think they have to sound like adolescents. Not very bright adolescents at that.

 

There's been more than one article written about the notion that ESPN is causing the death of good sports writing.

 

What follows is what I get several times a week from the AD at a high school in our coverage area. Naturally, he is not paid for his submissions. This is a lead graf:

The Hometown Hungs saw a 15-point lead melt to 2 points in the third quarter but managed to hold off the hard-charging Bumfuck Assholians by making enough free throws in the fourth quarter to record a 57-45 victory on Thursday, (Jan. 18th), at the DifferentTown Winter Festival Tournament at DifferentTown's Activity Gymnasium.

He then goes on to PBP the entire. fucking. game.

 

That reads like what I used to get from my local university's SID.

 

Dingleberry was on the take.

 

But if his team loses does he reverse the score? Those are my favorite. We have a D-II college here that does that.

 

I get those. "Yep, we lost last night. The final score was 78-92. We played really hard defense and hung with 'em most of the game. The refs made some bad calls, really cost us the game -- but I don't want to talk about that. Johnny Hoopster led us with 25 points, five rebounds and six assists (neglecting to mention that Johnny probably also had 15 turnovers). Billy Basket and Jim Whats-his-name each scored 17 points for us. Also, could you mention Frank Jumpshot? He only scored two points, but he played really hard for us; he really gave 110% out there. If you have any questions, you can call me on my cell phone, which will be turned off, or you can send me an e-mail, which I never check. Honestly, you probably won't hear from me again until I need something from you. Thanks."

 

This is one, I read....umm....somewhere:

CHICAGO – The Cowboys came to Chicago ready to prove they were among the NFC's elite. They left making the Bears look worse than Britney Spears at MTV's Video Music Awards.

Sorry, for the semi d_b, but it needs to be on this thread.

 

(Eden)- In a Garden outside of Baghdad, Adam lost a rib.

 

On a college football game:

DATELINE - While, miles away, thousands packed (the local food festival), the college football team ran into a buzz-saw last night.

From food ... to a saw.

 

A news lede that actually made it into a paper I worked at once:

"A Jones County man was killed to death on Highway 57 Friday night."