Writers' Workshop (2008 and Beyond, now with Updated Updates)

Re: re: craft

I wouldn't say I aspire to it; just my natural prose. I can tell from your critiques that you have a film background, am I right? Also, I agree with your paraphrase/not paraphase point; I often fall into the habit of quoting when I should paraphrase; I just feel that it will sound like opinion if I don't use a quote, though I'm certainly wrong. I'm trying hard to shake myself of the habit.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

We did something like this at my former paper. One of the best things for a lot of our writers, especially me. Hopefully this will work out well too. Just wish it would've come along before I left writing.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop



Good morning all, I'm up, if not strictly at 'em, so a few unstructured notes to round out last night's glorious debut.

We welcomed the midnight visits of Jones and Alma, two legendary posters who know whereof they write and speak. That their prodigal returns coincided with the opening of our little woodshed can only bode well for us all.

To Chi City, our first poster, again many thanks for the brave launch. Here are some further thoughts on your first two pieces.

- In the wheelchair piece, I think, per Alma and Jones, that a couple of big moments in the story need to be rendered in scene. Particularly the telling of how the disease overtook and felled this guy. Right now you've split that story in two - 1st part at the top, and 2nd part in the middle - but I think it'd have more impact and make more sense in a single telling. How a writer does such a thing is hard to describe, but think of yourself as the author of a novel writing the scene in which your protaganist awakens in the hospital for the first time and is told what's befallen him. Also, as stated, the scene where our hero is lying on the floor.

- Pursuant to that, there's a great example of your quote/paraphrase problem in the telling of that very origin story. Right now you've got a pullquote saying "You'll never walk again." Problem is, that line never appears in the story. You paraphrase it a couple of grafs later. That's your money quote. I'd use it at the end of my lede to set the tone of what's to come.

- Which brings up a great rule of thumb from the world of stand-up comedy, perfectly applicable to the writing of well-designed prose: Always open with your second-strongest piece of material and close with your strongest.

- Which brings me to a quick, dirty fix to better the piece's ending. Simply swap the last two sections, "A Blessing Not a Curse" and "What's Next?" I'd have done that if I were your editor and had five minutes to decide how to stick the landing a little harder. It's an inelegant solution, but timely in a case like this.

- In your second piece, avoid phrases like "heck," "to boot," and "kicks off." Seems to me that those can only be deployed ironically these days, if at all.

- And another suggestion on finding your ending before you've begun writing. As soon as I hear the kid say "I guess God wanted me to be a basketball player" in the interview, I know what the last line of the story wants to be. I can then reverse-engineer the rest of the piece back to the beginning. Be alert for architectural clues like this in your research.

For Rhody -

- In the first piece, I think you're working the "face" imagery a little too hard to too little result at the top. The coach's first quote involves a "black eye." Let that be your template for any figurative language which precedes it. I.e., you're not really talking about "shock," you're talking about taking a beating. If you feel you need the metaphor, let it then be about boxing. Me - I'd do away with it and keep the lede real clean.

- Second piece. You're lede is weakened by a long, passive sentence. Break it up and make the voice an active one. I.e., not "42 minutes after having its season end, the..." but "42 minutes after its season ended, the..." Simple fix in about 50% of cases in which you know something's not working in a sentence, but can't figure out what.

- Third piece. I know where you're trying to get in the lede, but it's getting lost in the bog of the one kid's great performance in a losing effort. Untangle stuff like this by writing a simple, skeletal version first. "Despite Gordon's extraordinary performance, the team lost," is what you're trying to convey. Lay that in as a guide - write the rest of the piece - then come back to the lede to rewrite and/or polish and/or embellish.

- So I'd say work first on clarifying, simplifying and strengthening your ledes.

For Alma -

I tacked up the Mailer and the Talese in the spirit of inspiration and aspiration. You're right, of course - without the decoder ring the old runes can seem indecipherable. Still, there's some pretty potent magic in them, and sometimes it's enough for the neophytes to run their hands over them. The apprentice needs to see the trick done before asking the magician how to pull it off. Let the tutorial arise then out of their questions. Even if those questions are cultural. As in"Who the hell was Toots Shor?" Which can lead us then to Liebling and Heinz and Cannon and Graham.

Keep posting.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Heinz is fucking great. The Professional is a must-read for anyone who aspires to write clean, beautiful prose.

Sincerely, if I taught a class, it would be my only textbook.

That, and his "Death of a Racehorse." Best deadline sports story ever written, and it's not close.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

I was going to save this as primetime post for this evening, but Jones anticipates my every move, speaks, and I obey. This first ran as a column in the New York Sun.

-----

They were going to the post for the sixth race at Jamaica, two year olds, some making their first starts, to go five and a half furlongs for a purse of four thousand dollars. They were moving slowly down the backstretch toward the gate, some of them cantering, others walking, and in the press box they had stopped their working or their kidding to watch, most of them interested in one horse.

"Air Lift," Jim Roach said. "Full brother of Assault."

Assault, who won the triple crown ... making this one too, by Bold Venture, himself a Derby winner, out of Igual, herself by the great Equipoise. ... Great names in the breeding line ... and now the little guy making his first start, perhaps the start of another great career.

They were off well, although Air Lift was fifth. They were moving toward the first turn, and now Air Lift was fourth. They were going into the turn, and now Air Lift was starting to go, third perhaps, when suddenly he slowed, a horse stopping, and below in the stands you could hear a sudden cry, as the rest left him, still trying to run but limping, his jockey -- Dave Gorman -- half falling, half sliding off.

"He broke a leg!" somebody, holding a binoculars to his eyes, shouted in the press box. "He broke a leg!"

Down below they were roaring for the rest, coming down the stretch now, but in the infield men were running toward the turn, running toward the colt and the boy standing beside him, alone. There was a station wagon moving around the track toward them, and then, in a moment, the big green van they call the horse ambulance.

"Gorman was crying like a baby," one of them, coming out of the jockey room, said. "He said he must have stepped in a hole, but you should have seen him crying."

"It's his left front ankle," Dr. J.G. Catlett, the veterinarian, was saying. "It's a compound fracture, and I'm waiting for confirmation from Mr. Hirsch to destroy him."

He was standing outside one of the stables beyond the backstretch, and he had just put in a call to Kentucky where Max Hirsch, the trainer, and Robert Kleberg, the owner, were attending the yearling sales.

"When will you do it?" one of them said.

"Right as soon as I can," the doctor said. "As soon as I get confirmation. If it was an ordinary horse, I'd done it right there."

He walked across the road and around another barn to where they had the horse. The horse was still in the van, about twenty stable hands in dungarees and sweat-stained shirts, bare-headed or wearing old caps, standing around quietly and watching with Mr. M.A. Gilman, the assistant veterinarian.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

(continued)


"We might as well get him out of the van," Catlett said, "before we give him the novocaine. It'll be better out in the air."

The boy in the van with the colt led him out then, the colt limping, tossing his head a little, the blood running down and covering his left foreleg. When the say him, standing there outside the van now, the boy holding him, they started talking softly.

"Full brother of Assault." ... "It don't make no difference now. He's done." ... "But damn, what a grand little horse." ... "Ain't he a horse?"

"It's a funny thing," Catlett said. "All the cripples that go out, they never break a leg. It always happens to a good-legged horse."

A man, gray-haired and rather stout, wearing brown slacks and a blue shirt walked up.

"Then I better not send for the wagon yet?" the man said.

"No," Catlett said. "Of course, you might just as well. Max Hirsch may say no, but I doubt it."

"I don't know," the man said.

"There'd be time in the morning," Catlett said.

"But in this hot weather --" the man said.

They had sponged off the colt, after they had given him the shot to deaden the pain, and now he stood, feeding quietly from some hay they had placed at his feet. In the distance, you could hear the roar of the crowd in the grandstand, but beyond it and above it, you could hear thunder and see the occasional flash of lightning.

When Catlett came back the next time he was hurrying, nodding his head and waving his hands. Now the thunder was louder, the flashes of lightning brighter, and now rain was starting to fall.

"All right," he said, shouting to Gilman. "Max Hirsch talked to Mr. Kleberg. We've got confirmation."

They moved the curious back, the rain falling faster now, and they moved the colt over close to a pile of loose bricks. Gilman had the halter and Catlett had the gun, shaped like a bell with a handle at the top. This bell he placed, the crowd silent, on the colt's forehead, just between the eyes. The colt stood still and then Catlett, with the hammer in his other hand, struck the handle of the bell. There was a short, sharp sound and the colt toppled onto his left side, his eyes staring, his legs straight out, the free legs quivering.

"Aw, ----" someone said.

That was all they said. They worked quickly, the two vets removing the broken bones as evidence for the insurance company, the crowd silently watching. Then the heavens opened, the rain pouring down, the lightning flashing, and they rushed for cover of the stables, leaving alone on his side near a pile of bricks, the rain running off his hide, dead an hour and a quarter after his first start, Air Lift, son of Bold Venture, full brother of Assault.



****

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Wow. That is powerful stuff.

When was that written?

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

1949.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Goosebumps, every time I read it. And I've read it, no joke, probably 500 times. Written on deadline, on a typewriter, in a press box in the rain, and I wouldn't change a word of it. I just can't imagine what the other writers thought when they opened the papers the next day and saw Heinz's take. It's a marvel.

And that ending... God, that's what I'm talking about when I talk about endings. Just a perfect -- haunting, lingering, leaving a big lump in your throat without having taken a clumsy stab at your heartstrings -- finishing touch.

You get anything close to this, just once in your life, and as a writer, you've done it.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

1. Straight-up organizationally, yes. And narratively, too, if you can feather the transitions so that they're relatively seamless from one to the next.

2. I'd ignore that advice as best you can. Plenty of really smart seventh graders out there - and plenty of graduate-school nitwits. Write clean, compelling prose and you'll cover most of the readership without losing anyone. That said, I agree with Alma, that the lede could use a light bluepencil through the first five grafs. Try it yourself and see what can come out. If you want to PM me then, we can go through the lede together and compare cuts.

And since we've already invoked Mr. Heinz, and we've already had questions about how best to begin and end a piece, I would refer you to Jones's post above, and then ask folks to speculate on how Mr. Heinz achieves such a stunning effect. I think I have an answer, but I'm not sure.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop


This has a good start and the Heinz story is a marvel.

A suggestion I would propose.

When critiquing the work of others brave enough to post on here, please suggest what you would do differently, what you would add or subtract but refrain from ripping the work outright. That doesn't help anybody.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Agreed, Ace. I hope you don't think of any of the earlier critiques as rip jobs. I also think it's sometimes tough to say what you'd do differently, because you don't know the story as well. You don't have the material in front of you.

But I hear what you're saying. I think we should keep this as positive as we can. I think it's something that can make all of us better.