Writers' Workshop (2008 and Beyond, now with Updated Updates)

Re: Writers' Workshop

I liked the Heinz story, but a couple of thoughts. I don't think he should have used the word "now" as much as he did. Ten times in 952 words. I noticed it the most in this sentence "Now the thunder was louder, the flashes of lightning brighter, and now rain was starting to fall."
He wrote most of the story with economy and the nows seem redundant and superfluous. Also is there a typo in the story?
"When the say him, standing there outside the van now ..." Was that in the original or just in the transcription?
One thing to note is that in the whole story he uses less than 10 adverbs, never uses the word "very," and makes outstanding progress without once resorting to a word you know he found by going to a thesaurus.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

The best news writing web site I've found:

Bob Baker's Newsthinking at www.newsthinking.com

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Re: Heinz and the use of "now."

I heard an interview with him several years back. He's an enormous classical music head, and he writes as a composer, utilizing sound and rhythm as much as sense. He said the first line was the most difficult one for him to write, because he wanted that first line to work as the first few bars of a piece of music - to set the key and rhythm and tone of everything that comes after.

I think he uses the word "now" for its the rhythm and music as anything else - it sets a pace that you only feel when it stops. Read that story aloud, into a tape recorder, and play it back and you'll see. And that bit of advice - occasionally read your work aloud, and listen back - is best writing advice I ever received. Writing is only the notation for what is really still a spoken art.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Hello all,
My name is Jeremy and I am currently a journalism student.  I have just joined this site and I have really enjoyed reading it so far and I would really appreciate some comments on this feature story.  Thank you very much.  

With the score tied at 24 against Nebraska Oct. 22, Nebraska quarterback Zac Taylor completed a fourth down pass to wide receiver Terrence Nunn who streaked down the middle of the field past the first down marker and inside the Missouri 10 yard line where he was met by Mizzou safety Jason Simpson.  Simpson wrapped Nunn up perfectly and ripped the ball from his arms at the three where it was recovered by the Tigers.
Simpson’s forced fumble proved to be a turning point in the Missouri victory as the Tiger offense proceeded to march 97 yards to take a 31-24 lead it would not relinquish.  
Simpson was not heavily recruited out of high school but has excelled with the Tigers as a hard-hitting big play safety.  Even when Simpson played little league football he was known for flying across the field and making plays.
“I did kickoffs as a kid and my grandma always talked about how I would kick the ball off and be the first guy down there to tackle him,” Simpson said.
Growing up in The Woodlands, Texas, playing football was natural for him as it is such an integral part of Texas culture.  Simpson enjoyed little league football because there was no pressure.
“Back then it was just all fun,” Simpson said. “You weren’t going to lose your job if you miss a tackle or mess up.”
In high school, Simpson did not start on the varsity team until his senior season.  That season, he recovered two fumbles and had three interceptions, one returned for a touchdown.  
“That pick was right before the half and it changed the entire game,” Simpson said. “Making those kinds of plays is what it’s all about.”
In the spring, Simpson lettered in track and field as a pole vaulter.  Simpson said pole vaulting was the hardest sport he had ever played and to do it well you need to be a little crazy.
“It’s all timing,” Simpson said.  “Everything has to flow well, there can’t be any hiccup in your form and you have to be a little crazy because you’re going straight up 18 or 20 feet in the air.”
Pole vaulting helped Simpson with his football game because the complicated nature of the sport helps him to pay attention to detail on the football field.
“It helps you key into all the little things,” Simpson said. “It’s hard to coach the little things and you have to take it upon yourself to take the game that seriously.”
Simpson was not heavily recruited because he only got consistent varsity playing time his senior season.  Defensive Backs Coach Cornell Ford saw tape of Simpson while recruiting other players.  
“There wasn’t much of a recruiting process for me,” Simpson said. “I was getting recruited by New Mexico and Northwest Louisiana State and then coach Ford came and saw some tape of me and offered me a scholarship.”
Simpson spent his first year on campus adjusting to college life and work on his studies during his red-shirt year.
“Red-shirting helps you mature,” Simpson said.  “I was able to have fun my freshman year and work on my studies – usually people aren’t that good their first year and red-shirting gives you a buffer.  It allows you to be a real college student and get adjusted to the lifestyle.”
After his freshman year, Simpson continued to mature as he became a captain this season.
“It’s kind of funny because I’m keeping the guys that act like I did in line,” Simpson said. “I used to be ‘bumpy’ as Coach Ford said and now I’m getting more smooth.  I just try to help the other players; I understand what they’re going through so I can help them. It doesn’t mean anything if it’s coming from somebody who didn’t go through the same struggles.”
During his career at Missouri, Simpson gained a reputation for making big plays on the field as well as being a trash talker.  
“I definitely talk a lot of trash,” Simpson said. “It’s fun to try to get in someone’s head after I make a play on them or hit them hard.”
Simpson said it is difficult to get in any player’s head during a game because he is not always matched up with the same person on every play.  However, he is able to do so on occasion.
“During the UT game, [Texas tight end] David Thomas was trying to mess with me and I was just laughing at him and talking back to him,” Simpson said.  “He started doing a lot of extra cheap stuff just to try and get me so I think I just got in his head.”
During his career, Simpson enjoyed beating Kansas his freshman year and beating Nebraska two seasons ago and this year.  He also enjoyed going to the Independence Bowl his sophomore season and hopes to go to another bowl this season.
“That was the first time the school had been to a bowl game in a long time and it was a fun experience,” Simpson said.  “It’s fun to go somewhere new and play a team that you’ll probably never play again.  You also get a lot of free stuff and free events, it’s just a fun experience overall.”
After he graduates, Simpson hopes to be able to play in the NFL.
“Hopefully I’ll do well enough this year that I’ll be able to play in the NFL,” Simpson said. “If I don’t I’ll have a degree in business to fall back on and I’ve made plenty of contacts so I should be able to find a job.”
Simpson will graduate in May of 2006.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Too many specifics in the lede. But it gets better after that.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Here are a couple gamers of mine:

By DENNIS L. SILVA, II.

In the top of the second inning during a district matchup against Katy High, Morton Ranch freshman catcher Laura Anderson launched a blistering cannon deep down the right field line, teasing the Mav hopefuls before being swallowed to the glove of leaping Tigers outfielder Kasey Henderson.
After a first inning that enabled Morton Ranch to make contact between bat and ball, that play would be the closest the Mavs (5-10, 3-5 District 19-5A) would come to producing another hit all night.
Katy High (24-1, 7-1) took advantage of nine runs in the first two innings en route to a 10-0, run-rule victory in five innings over a young and inexperienced Mavericks team at Tiger Field.
Morton Ranch surrendered nine hits in the first two innings as starting junior pitcher Alyssa Garcia was relieved before recording a single out. Garcia gave up four runs and four hits before coach Nikki Nelson put in sophomore Lauren Raggio. From that point, Nelson subsitituted the two pitchers every other inning in an effort to throw the Tigers off-balance at the plate.
“We were trying to limit the number of times each of Katy’s batters saw our pitchers,” Nelson said. “Offensively, they read the ball well and it’s hard to get a hit against Katy so getting a hit against them (in the first inning) is an accomplishment in itself.”
Unfortunately things did not get better offensively for the Mavs after the first inning.
Morton Ranch’s next four innings consisted of a walk, strikeout, six groundouts and five fly balls.
The Tigers, on the other hand, were dynamic offensively, which was to be expected for a veteran, proven ballclub against a team whose 11-man roster boasts seven underclassmen.
Katy tallied 11 hits on the night, led by senior catcher Katie Longacre (2-2 at the plate with 3 RBIs and two doubles) and junior Samantha Rickert (2-3 hitting with three RBIs).
Tiger pitchers Monica Calderon and Danielle Larsen did a fine job focusing on location and getting the Maverick hitters to avoid gaps and hitting to their fielders.
With a young team coming in against a club that has dominated district play, Katy coach Kalum Haack was not concerned of his team experiencing a letdown and suffering from overconfidence.
“Whether we’re facing a younger team or a veteran club, we try to focus on what we do,” Haack said.
“It doesn’t matter who we play. We try to hit the same way, run the bases the same way. Nothing matters according to the team we play. With that frame of mind, it’s stopped us from playing down to our competition.”
For Morton Ranch, all that matters during the first few years of establishing a program and recipe for success is progress. Nelson understands that the year will hold more lows than highs but as long as progress and improvement is apparent through any win or loss,  that’s all that is relevant.
“We did things much better tonight,” Nelson said. “I definitely saw a little improvement and that’s the most important thing.”

======

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Here's another gamer...again, any constructive criticism would be appreciated:

Picture perfect.


It was a game punctuated by three yellow cards, pushing and shoving, and players falling in a desperate attempt to gain coveted possession of the ball.


And for Morton Ranch boys soccer coach Fredy Sanguinetti, he could not have scripted it any better.


The Mavericks (12-2-1 overall, 9-2-1District 19-5A) scored the game's first two goals and held off an aggressive Cinco Ranch squad to claim a 2-1 victory Tuesday night, securing them a playoff spot in their first varsity season.


"We knew Cinco would come out hard," Sanguinetti said. "We knew they were gonna have real good energy the first 15 minutes or so, but for sophomores and juniors, we brought it hard today."


The Mavericks' first goal came with 23:34 remaining as junior forward Pedro Granados nailed a shot into dead center off junior Ricky Ortiz's errant attempt.


The Cougars (9-3-4, 6-3-3) managed only two shot attempts in the first half as junior forward Matheus Fernandes used his speed and quickness to fly by defenders but never could get the Cougars on the scoreboard.


"The first half, we didn't move the ball very well," Cougars coach John Crow said. "The second half, we moved the ball better but just didn't get the opportunities. They're a good team and it was a tough game."


Both teams engaged in a battle of wills and aggression, battling for possession and doing whatever was necessary to gain the ultimate advantage.


Unfortunately, particular skirmishes earned each team a yellow card within the final 4:30 of the first half.


"I think teams try and intimidate us, being that we're sophomores and juniors," Sanguinetti said. "And with that in mind, our boys don't play like that (underclassmen). I think our guys are used to it (physicality) and take it."


Mavs junior forward Ricky Ortiz added the second Morton Ranch goal with his shot into the left corner pocket of the net just six minutes into the second half.


The Cougars were more decisive on offense in the second half, attempting seven shots and cutting the Mavs' deficit in half on senior midfielder Lee McMullan's kick with 28:38 remaining.


But the Mavs' defense held fort the rest of the way, solidifying Morton Ranch as a participant in playoff competition.


"We had nine (district) wins as one of our goals," Sanguinetti said. "But the kids have been awesome. To be able to do this would be great for the school. It's great for team unity."


Cinco Ranch, coming off a thrilling victory Friday night against Taylor, played with ferocity and dramatic intensity the whole night but just never could get the ball into the net.


Crow refused to acknowledege a possible letdown after such an exhilarating victory as the reason for his team's performance.


"No, we weren't even thinking about that (a possible letdown)," Crow said. "We knew what we needed to do and we came out with a lot of heart. They (Cinco) wanted this and played hard, but we just couldn't get it into the back of the net."

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Houston:

Maybe the American Idol comments are mixing me up.

You have a lot of good stuff here, but I think you get in your own way with the adjectives sometimes.

Don't take away from your active verbs with extra words. Just say that someone launched a cannon (really that should say cannon shot, though), not a blistering cannon.

The ammo is here. You just have to load it in the right guns and fire it at the right time.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Thanks for the advice. It's encouraging. I guess I have yet to find the proper balance between being too detailed and maintaining a simplistic style without being flowery.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Bonds 3 Homeruns Away from Ruth

Barry Bonds hit his second straight homerun tonight to put him three homeruns on the season and also three homers away from Babe Ruth's homerun count and four away from becoming second on the Major League career homerun list. Many people see this as a big problem because obviously no one wants a cheater like Bonds to top the Babe who is considered the best player the game has ever seen. This is almost inevitable spare any injuries Bonds might have to deal with. I do not want this to happen and I am sure anyone who follows baseball does not want this to happen.

Bonds' bad attitude and lack of respect for just about everyone is why no one wants him to break this record. I do not think it is right at all for someone who tried to one up McGwire and Sosa because they were in a home run race to cheat and possibly be Major League Baseball's career homerun leader. I did not witness Hank Aaron breaking Ruth’s original record but I am sure it was one of the greatest moments in sports history let alone baseball history.

Hank Aaron from what I have heard is a completely different person compared to Bonds. He was a respected individual who respected the game of baseball. Yes, that alone shows how completely different the two are. However, the main difference between the two are one played the game clean with class and one plays the game cheating and acts like an ass. I do not think I have to distinguish which one Aaron is and which one Bonds is.

Everyone I have talked to that has heard of Bonds' going after Ruth is that it just should not happen. Bonds has said he only wants to pass Ruth. Most people say that comment alone proves that he is a racist. People in general just do not like Bonds and it has come from him selfish attitude. Even his teammates do not appreciate him (see Jeff Kent.) If Bonds would have a better attitude and stop acting like he is in a high school gym class I am sure most people would forgive him. Oh, I almost forgot for that to happen he would also have to admit that he used steroids, also he would have to be convicted of perjury, he would have to voluntarily erase all of his records, retire, and then apologize to everyone that had to see his sorry ass play the game in the first place.

I am hoping that Bonds will somehow get injured, or be convicted of perjury, or anything happening that would ensure he would not play the game anymore for my own selfish reasons. Those reasons are for baseball to be back to the way it was before steroids. Maybe you remember the Ken Griffey’s and the Hank Aaron's. Yankees winning, the Tigers losing. Just good old-fashioned baseball without all of the stupid news on ESPN of players being suspended for x amount of games for violating the league's steroid policy. And how every freaking sport network in America will cover bonds every move. I am sure that I am not the only one sick of it. How about you ask everyone who has played the game without cheating.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Dude, this is just awful.

There's no real point from the start, just a lot of rambling.

Make some points and develop some paragraphs.

 

Re: Writers' Workshop

Damn, dye, tell the kid how you really feel.