yes, another kids coaching story (Update: 2016-17 edition)

Screw all that. We've got St. Miriam tonight. I'm not sure but I don't think the game is on ESPN LXXIX.

The Catholic League is tough on their teevee policy. Knocks down the gate receipts.

 

If you promise to cuss at the refs and get at least one tech, I'm watching.

 

Go all Kevin Stallings and yell FUCK! every four seconds or so. To add a classy touch, yell MOTHERFUCK! every once in a while.

 

Believe it or not, I've never ever ever sworn while coaching a kids' sports team. "God-dog it " is the worst I've ever gone. I'm smart enough not to start saying "fudge you," "funk off," etc etc because that's how tongue slips happen and how parents "think" they heard you going all F-word.

I may be crazy (sometimes) but I ain't stupid.

In my very very early coaching days I used to get some technicals but I quickly figured out all that yelling at the refs really did was make them double-certain to screw you if they got the chance.

The last season I officially head-coached a team, 28 years ago, I got exactly one technical in 24 games. We had a 6-2 eighth-grade girls center who was standing flat-footed under the boards. I yelled, pleadingly, "come on, Angie, jump!" and (accidentally) banged my foot into the metal side of the bleachers, which produced a resounding boom that echoed through the gym, and the ref teed me up.

If I'd known I was gonna get teed up, I should have thrown a chair or a water bottle or something. (And no, Angie didn't really jump. We lost to a damn team of big slow slugs we should have smacked by 20 points. I'm still mad about it. I may go throw a chair right now.)

FWIW: In today's Starrville Catholic League, an unsportsmanlike technical foul is an automatic ejection, PLUS suspension from the next game. Two techs in a season means you're done. (There is an appeals process but the league rulebook spells out such appeals are remotely unlikely to be successful.)

In the olden days, they had people who wouldn't have made it to halftime of Game 1 under those rules. My brother had a coach for 3 years who must have averaged a tech a game. If he went 2-3 games without a tech he'd go ape crazy and kick over the scorer's table or something and get three or four before being pushed out of the gym. I think in one game he was officially given six technicals (even though you're supposed to be ejected after two). I remember this kid standing there and shooting 12 free throws in a row.

Meanwhile you could hear Coach Buzzcut still yelling out in the hallway as some of the relatively cooler-headed dads pushed him away from the gym door. I think the refs had finally said, "get this SOB out of the gym, or this game is over. "

And that guy wasn't even the worst (close, but not quite).

So I imagine that's how they ended up in today's world of Zero Point Zero Tolerance.

 

When DaughterQuant was still doing Y volleyball, there was this one coach who was there every year. Good guy, I think, as I understand he also coached a soccer team and a softball team every year. He was Nigerian, with this booming, deep voice, and the combination of his relatively thick accent and his default volume made you think he was raising hell all the time. He wasn't, but if it was your first time around him you'd think, dude, they're in the 4th grade ...

 

OK, powerhouse St. Miriam rolls in to St Sissy tonight to face our Scarlett Sizzlers.

In the first game, Kurt's Krimsons pull away from St. Joab of Huskerville (a mid-level team we'll probably battle for 4th-6th place), 28-12.

St Miriam's Marauders and their fans pull in. They have seven of their eight-player roster in uniform tonight. The one player missing is, I can confirm from scouting them twice, their Very Worst Player. So they'll have a lean and mean roster of their seven best players playing 17 minutes each, while our 10 players play 10 minutes apiece.

OK, IIWII. We have prepared a nearly minute-by-minute substitution and defensive matchup chart. We start an alternate lineup with our No. 2 and 3 point guards, along with shrimpy speed demon Maddy. We match up starting PG Phoebe against their main point guard, a girl who looks uncannily enough like Phoebe we ask if they're related (they're not) and their own tiny lightning bolt against Madeline, who has never played organized ball before this year.

This lineup plays the first 1:30 of the game with instructions to attack the Marauders hard shortly after they cross halfcourt. St Miriam hasn't faced any even decent defensive players in two wipeout wins, so a sudden onslaught by living breathing defense is a shock. They throw the ball away four straight times, although we return the favor on our end of the court and it's still 0-0. Just before we get our subs to the scorer's table, they bang in a putback for a 2-0 lead.

Now Sis runs in a lineup with both Twins B and A on the court. Twin B takes over PG duties while Twin A slides out to the 3. They match up on the two St. Miriam star guards and clamp down an iron lock. It's a hockey game; the Marauders can't penetrate inside the 3-point lead before we steal or knock the ball out of bounds.

We're getting some shots, but we're ice cold. Polly, our Big Girl, still hasn't scored on the season, and misses a half dozen shots. Twin A drives the lane a couple times but can't get the roll. The TwinSquad plays its scheduled three minutes and amazingly shuts the Marauders out until the starters come back in at 1:30. We're still trailing 2-0 at the quarter break.

The second quarter is a repeat; St Miriam can't really dent our defense and we can't get a shot to fall. The Marauders eek in a shot about midway through the quarter and can a couple of free throws with about a minute left. At halftime the score is a sub-glacial 6-0.

We scoot into the 'team room' at halftime with a mixture of excitement and fear. Defensively we are out of this world; St. Miriam had scored 20 by halftime of both its previous games. But ... Zero Points. Sis hasn't had a team shut out in a half, like ever, even dating back to second grade kiddie hoops. Our new offensive set is actually getting us some shots, but we can't throw a ball in the ocean.

We do some tweaking with the combinations at halftime and we bust the ice. Finally Polly rises up to her full 5-6 and hammers in a layup on our patented inbounds play (which we had botched up several times in the first half), which the team runs flawlessly for the first time.

The bench erupts along with the several dozen fans in the stands. "Yes, yes, yes!" Sis yells. "Perfect." Suddenly the light switch flips on and on the next possession, Phoebe cans a runner in the lane and it's 6-4. Both teams loosen up a bit and the quarter ends 14-10.

Our guards are still keeping the clamps on the Marauder stars, but their forwards ain't chopped liver either, and they convert a couple putbacks and move into a 20-12 lead with 3:00 to play. Sis has staggered the PT so she can put what amounts to her "starting lineup' into the game, and both twins come up with a couple of steals, and Grace and Phoebe each score on a layup. With 1:00 to play, we're down 4, 20-16. Sis A strips the ball from their mini-speed demon, who goes tumbling to the floor and rolls in apparent pain. Sis A heads the ball up to Sis B on the break, who drops an angle pass off to power forward Karmel, rambling downcourt as a trailer on the break.

The layup rolls off, into the hands of one of their rangy forwards, who gazes downcourt to see their shrimpy speedster, back on her feet after watching our fast break from a sitting position on the court. The forward unleashes a pretty solid 2/3 court pass, which her teammate grabs behind our defense, frantically sprinting to get back. They can the layup to make it 22-16 with 22 seconds left. We miss a couple shots in the final seconds and that's the ball game.

The league is starting to sort out. Kurt's Krimsons, St. Brendan and St. Miriam are the three-headed monster running wild over the league. St Joshua, St. Cyril and poor St. Rudy, the onetime powerhouse, look like the basket cases. It'll be Redemption, St Leo, St Joab and us battling it out for 4th-7th places. We go to Redemption Tuesday in a game that could set the pecking order of that middle division.

Before that, tomorrow (Saturday), the Scarlett Sizzlers and the Starrville Starrs are going to face off in another scrimmage. Both StarSis and Coach Phil have a couple more things they want to put in before next week. The Starrs are looking ahead to next week's league tourney.

 

Well, the riveting dual saga of Starrville fifth grade basketball rolls on.

Last Saturday, both teams having the weekend off, the Starrs and the Scarlet Sizzlers met for another scrimmage, which turned out to be surprisingly productive for both teams. With the Starrs looking ahead to the tournament this weekend and St Sissy heading into the middle of the league schedule, both teams wanted a good matchup.

It had seemed there might be some weirdness on how to split up the teams, with power forward Karmel and Twins A & B key players on the roster of both teams, but Coach Phil solved this in novel fashion by showing up with two players from the 6th grade team.

StarSis assumed this would be a replay of the scrimmage of a few weeks ago, a very informal affair, so she didn't worry much about it. But somebody among the Starrville parents apparently decided this would be regarded more or less as an exhibition game -- everybody in game uniforms, etc etc. Two whole rows of seats had to be set up at courtside for the scrimmage.

Basically the scrimmage turned out virtually even. The Sizzlers dominated on the fast break, since as a matter of policy by Coach Phil the Starrs never ever ever run a fast break, and they dominated in set-0ffense situations, since the Sizzlers' offense features the point guard doing something besides being trapped in the corners.

The Starrs moved into the lead late as the two 6th grade ringers and Lucy, the Barkley/Unseld style power forward whose season-long surge has powered the team, started banging in shots off the offensive boards. The matchup between Lucy, who had been stumbling and helpless early in the season, and Polly, the Big Girl of the Sizzlers, was a real battle with Lucy getting most of the best of it, but Polly finally getting the hang of playing a strong opponent about the same size. "God, if we could only convince Lucy to switch schools, " I said to StarSis.

Finally our time slot in the gym was running out, and the two coaches huddled at midcourt. The score I had been keeping on my thumbs was something like 25-22 Starrs, but Phil yells out, "OK, next basket wins." So the teams take it end to end a couple more times, and Grace cans a jumper in the lane for the Sizzlers. Everybody leaves the gym feeling fine.

Which lasts three days.

Tuesday, St Sissy travels to Redemption, a longtime rival on the city's north side and a probable battle for 4th/6th place in the league, and lays a real egg in a typical "dog days" mid-season malaise game. Defense is fine, the score is tied 8-8 at halftime, but the offense goes into a complete coma. Nobody can even get a shot off, except for Karmel, who goes 0-12. Redemption pulls away late for an aggravating 18-14 win which was more decisive than it seemed.

The next night the twins show up at Starrville Starrs practice for the final practice of the season before the monster tournament this weekend. First, Coach Phil reveals the tourney seedings, which had been posted online only that morning: as feared, the 6-2 Starrs had been moved up into the A Division bracket with all the division winners. It appears some jimmying had been done with the brackets to assume that the Turnip Town Twisters would be seeded atop the B Division bracket to host the tournament at their home school (and clean up on the attendant gate receipts and even more for a 2-day tourney, concession sales). IT'S RIGGED!

So instead of being seeded No. 1 or 2 in the B Division tourney, the Starrs drew No. 10 (of 12) in A Division. In Game 1 Saturday morning they have a rematch with the same Grand Prairie team they whumped last week, but should they win that, their likely Game 2 opponent would be an 8-0 division champion team from Carrotville.

So their chances to win ... if they lose that game they could have to play six losers' bracket games on Sunday ... oh hell. Phil then announces he got a phone call an hour or so earlier. "Lucy fell off her bike today and broke her ankle."

So the 8-game marathon looks like it'll be over much sooner. A 2-and-out flameout looks a lot more likely. Winning that first game against Grand Prairie and maybe stealing a game or two in the losers' bracket looks like the best-case scenario. But without Lucy's 10 points and 15 rebounds a game it won't be easy. Pretty much any win will be a bonus. So the Starrville Starrs' season will end, most likely, not with a bang or a whimper, but a crack of an ankle bone.

So with that happy news the St Sissy Scarlet Sizzlers reconvened for Thursday practice, which was surprisingly upbeat and fun, and actually seemed to address some problem areas. Next Thursday, the Sizzlers face St Joab, another mid-level team, and then comes the home stretch -- three games against the sad sacks of the league.

 

The dual seasons lurched toward conclusion Sunday as the Starrville Starrs, boosted by the somewhat shocking reappearance of supposedly broken-ankled Lucy, finished fifth in the 12-team A Division Tournament with three wins and two losses.

Saturday morning dawned warm and early for what everybody expected would be a quick exit, but 15 minutes before tipoff for the early morning rattail play-in game, Lucy, who everybody thought had broken her ankle Thursday, came walking in only slightly gimpily on an ankle with a black strap-on brace. Turned out the original diagnosis of a fracture had been made by a janitor or something, and more competent examination showed only a moderate twist. Lucy is ready to go.

On Saturday, the Starrs were upset in the first game, 28-22, by the same Grand Prairie team they had smacked two weeks before, then picked up a couple of realtively easy wins in the lower bracket. Lucy had 28 points and 24 rebounds in the two games while Twins A and B each scored multiple points and combined for 20+ steals.

That put Starrville, now 8-3, into a game Sunday morning against a 9-2 team from Dairyville. Starrville rolled to a 32-21 win behind a dozen points and a dozen rebounds by Lucy, which advanced them to a lower bracket semifinal game against DuPage B, the second of three teams from the same town in the tourney (DuPage A was the undefeated champion of Starrville's division).

The Starrville defense seemed to be entering another world as the game moved into the fourth quarter with the Starrs up 13-5 over a team that hadn't been held under 20 all season.

Then the lights went out. DuPage started a pouncing double team defense on Olivia, the miscast point guard who was still, a dozen games into the season, freezing in paralysis at halfcourt. Eight or ten straight possessions she dribbles head down straight into a trap, and Coach Phil has no coherent advice during a time out. Twin A and B, stashed out of the action at wing, can't do much to help. Time and again they sprint toward the trapped Olivia but too late to keep the ball from being stolen.

Tower of power Lucy waits under the basket. If Starrville can even get the ball up to the rim she'll clean the boards, but the ball is either picked off or thrown away before that can happen.

StarSis and I exchange rolled-eye glances, but remain diplomatically silent. All the other parents saw the scrimmage last week. They saw which offense was working. But decorum demands we keep quiet. You can't get up in the stands and say, "you know, maybe you need to change point guards" when the point guard you're referring to is your niece/daughter. So they're going to sink or swim with Olivia.

DuPage runs off 4, 6, 8, 10 points in a row. Make it 12. Coach Phil burns his last time out with 20-some seconds left for one of his patented motivational pep talks.

"Look at the scoreboard. We were ahead 13-5. What is the score now?"
Nobody responds. Nobody wants to respond. Sitting some 15 feet behind the bench, I silently chew my teeth into gravel.
"I'll tell you, it's 13-17. Who's ahead?"
Nobody responds. Uncomfortable silence.
"I'll tell you who's ahead: they are. Is that good?"
I smell smoke. I realize it is rising off the back of my neck.

Finally the silence is broken as the time-out warning buzzer sounds.
"No it's not good! What do we have to do?"
I draw in a deep deep breath. My eyes begin to spin in my skull.

I mean, goddamn, dude, did you sign up to coach this team or not? You're in the middle of a season-killing surge by the opponent, who you were crushing for three quarters, and all you can come up with is finger-counting on the scoreboard and asking whether it's better to be ahead or behind? The players are not blind; they can look at the scoreboard and understand they are behind.

I mean yeah yeah yeah I have coached and I know sometimes players won't or can't do what you want them to do and I know the opposing team is gonna do what they want to do and maybe you can't stop them, but come up with something, will ya? Something. It would be nice if it worked, but at this point even that would be a bonus. Some kind of idea other than, "we're behind and it sucks." Shit a miracle for us.

"We gotta score, that's what! Let's go get 'em!"

Uhhm, ok. It Is What It Is.

Final score, 19-13. Season over.

Sheesh.

I mean, they did finish 9-4, so it was an ok-good season, but still ... sheesh.

For the three dual-team members, the twins and Karmel, it's back to the Catholic League wars for a showdown at Cornville St. Joab Thursday night, 30 miles up the road. The winner will have inside track on fifth place in the league (a much-sought after slot since it gets you out of a quarterfinal tourney matchup against one of the league's three juggernauts). If form holds out -- and so far it has perfectly throughout the whole season -- the first-round 4 v 5 matchup will be Redemption vs the winner of St Sissy-St Joab.

Oh yes. Thursday night at 7:00 is the season ending team party for the Starrville Starrs at an area sports pub. The three St Sissy players are expected to come rolling in at about 7:45 hot and sweaty after their 6 p.m. game at St. Joab and a hell-bent drive back to town. And oh yes, it's also Coach StarSis's birthday too.

StarSis says she's putting 50-50 odds the three players get back to Starrville before 8 p.m., and also that at least half the team members will have left.

These are 11-12 year-olds who still go to bed at 9 for the most part.

Unless Lucy announces her immediate transfer plans to St Sissy I can't imagine anything much interesting happening at the party.

 

How did Lucy come back from a broken ankle this quickly? Did she have Kobe's doctor?

 

It was determined that the guy who made the original "broken ankle" diagnosis was a janitor or something.

Fake news.

 

Had a bizarre incident in my league. The previously undefeated team has lost 2 games in a row, the second of which was to the other really good team. Now, the other really good team has some physical players and the coach can be a little over-competitive. I get a text last Saturday night from the coach of the team which lost 2 in a row to call him -- he's a little spectrum at times so I'm ready for anything. Turns out, he wants to complain that his latest opponent was overly physical, was double-teaming (which is prohibited away from the basket) and he felt was running up the score.

I ask him if he wants me to speak to the other coach, and he says no. We agree that I will have the ref call the games more closely and in my weekly note to the coaches, I'll remind them about the double teaming and calling the dogs off when you are up by a lot. Monday, I get an e-mail from him forwarding an e-mail from one of his parents accusing their opponent of roughing their girls up to the point that their daughter had bruises all over. The coach also says that 2 other of his girls are afraid to play the other really good team. I call the ref, who says that while the game was a little physical, he didn't see anyone get roughed up or be afraid to play.

So I e-mail the coach back and tell him that I want to speak to the parent who sent him the e-mail and asked him to identify the other two girls who are afraid to play so that I can speak to their parents. At 2:30 that morning, he writes back that his ex-wife hacked his e-mail, changed some of the text from the first parent and made up the story about the other two girls. I don't even know what to say, so I've let it drop.

 

Just noticed this post. Where's Morgan Freeman when you need him?