You know that you're old school if you can....

When it was cool that a good rated R movie like 10 or Bachelor Party was on HBO
because it wasn't that easy to get good porn for a reasonable price on VHS.

 

Remember when you jerked off to the new redhead on "The Price Is Right."

 

I was talking to my dad about this the other day. Man, he had it good. Parents today are buying PSPs and video game bullshit out the ass. To keep us happy for an entire summer, my dad had to buy a wiffle ball, bat and roll of electrical tape and a tennis ball.

The wiffle ball game would last pretty much all day, with a few breaks to grab a big-ass glass of red Kool-Aid. (The electrical tape was to fix the ball when it cracked. Late in the summer, there'd be so much tape on the ball that it would leave red welts that would hang around for four days.)

The tennis ball was for the greatest made-up game in history: Hide and Go Bust. Just like Hide and Seek, but when you found somebody, you hit their ass with the ball.

I also remember trying to locate quality naked women on TV by positioning a satellite dish that was roughly as big as a standard trampoline.

 

Your last graf made me wistful for good ol' American Triple EXXXstasy, found on satellite S1 channel 18. Or the Tuxxedo Network, at G2 10. Or even the old Playboy Channel, at F4 24.

 

* - When I'd sit down on a warm summer night and watch Al Michaels and Tim McCarver announce "Monday Night Baseball" on ABC.

* - When ESPN had roller derby and, for your spanking pleasure, fitness shows like "Bodyshaping" on in the morning.

* - When a baseball glove, a tennis ball and a brick wall kept me occupied for hours.

* - When having Air conditioning, power windows and power locks made the car luxurious.

* - When a four-head VCR cost more than a diamond braclet.

* - When a VHS camcorder cost more than a diamond necklace.

* - When televisions came with "rabbit ears" and that extra, clip-on, bowtie fuck thing.

 

You actually CHEWED the gum that came in a pack of baseball cards

You drank coke from a GLASS bottle

You cut your fingers pushing in those little tabs (pre-key ring) when drinking a Coors

You could go to a rock concert at an outdoor amphitheater and bring along a Thermos full of "enhanced" fruit punch. And they let you take it in...

 

Not only baseball, but all sports.

I thought about that the other day when "Blue Chips" came on early in the middle of the night. (I hadn't seen it in 10 years easy.) It's the epilogue scene, after the whole scandal has been revealed, and Nolte (coach Pete whatshisname) quits and walks out of the gleaming arena in dejected disgust.

He goes a block or two and comes up upon a playground with a bunch of kids playing pickup basketball. It's supposed to symbolize the innocent, uncorrupted, pure fun of the game. So within about 15 seconds, Coach Know-It-All marches onto the court, grabs the ball, and starts foghorning to the kids about the "Right Way to Play," going on and on about the mechanics of the jump shot, yadda yadda.

I just wished one of the kids would say, "give us the ball back, you old honky fucker, get the hell out of the way and let us play basketball."

That's the problem with basketball (and baseball, and the other sports) -- much to the contary to the usual harangue, "kids today don't know the fundamentals, they can't play defense, they can't set picks, they can't box out, yah yah blah blah."

The problem isn't that the kids don't know the "fundamentals." That's ALL they know. The "fundamentals" are drummed into them from biddy basketball at age 6. What they don't know how to do is play basketball. Since they were in second grade, they can't take two dribbles without some coach grabbing the ball and launching into Lecture No. 93,474,894 on "The Right Way To Play."

 

...remember looking forward to going to Caldor's each week and getting the list of the Top 100 records for that week, then spend the next 45 minutes going through the bins of 45's and decide what you wanted to spend your $2 allowance on.

...know that for Channel 3 in Hartford, you had to go upstairs and turn the antenna on the roof - using that clunky wooden box that lit up when you turned the dial - to W (for west). Channels 4 and 5 out of Boston were NE, Chs. 8 and 30 were SW. But it pissed you off because Ch. 38 was too weak and you couldn't watch the Red Sox, yet you could get Ch. 17 out of Philadelphia and Ch. 40 out of Albany (jesus christ, I'm scaring myself remembering all that). And when it got too cold, the antenna would freeze and you had to watch the stations in whatever direction it was pointing.

...remember when your AM radio in the car had the two spots for a national emergency frequency. And the seat belts only went across your lap.

...remember TV ads for cigarettes.

 

How about cars that had ONLY an AM radio? All they played on FM was classical music, after all.

And do you remember when "regular" gas had lead in it?

 

I worked in gas stations from 1977-1983. Leaded gas was phased out during those years.

 

... remember having to decide whether to buy the VHS or Beta VCR. And whether to pay extra for the wireless remote.