Your Chance to Join NIAFL Football: The Essay Contest

1. Which high school did I attend? Sexy-Ass High
2. Which college football team do I want to see finish 0-12 every season. Some poor unlucky bastards who have incurred your wrath.
3. In which Uma Thurman movie does Uma Thurman's character most resemble Uma Thurman's SportsJournalists.com alter ego. Kill Bill, Vol. 2
4. What are the names of my children. Sam, and then three little girls names that are too cute to print here.
5. Which Idahoan has made the most impact on the world? Mr. Potato Head.
6. Which Idahoan is the state's best ever athlete? Stacy Dragila.
7. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would I most like to see nuked? d_b
8. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would most like to see me nuked? Me.
9. What specific field of medicine does Doc Idaho practice? podiatry
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And how hard is his nutslap when he can't chuck wood in less than 10 seconds? 8 knots. And really hard, thanks to the beaver down the street.



I think Modaho needs to learn how to use question marks. But as a final way of earning his vote, I would submit that I have found his home phone number and will use it to my advantage were I not to get his vote.

 

Damnit!!!!

I said Winslow, Edwards. ... Chester Taylor. ... Did I state the obvious too much?

Shit. I'm a dumbass.

 

1. Which high school did I attend? Wyatt Earp High
2. Which college football team do I want to see finish 0-12 every season? Boise State
3. In which Uma Thurman movie does Uma Thurman's character most resemble Uma Thurman's SportsJournalists.com alter ego? My Super Ex-Girlfriend
4. What are the names of my children? Walker, Texas Ranger, Trapper John and M.D.
5. Which Idahoan has made the most impact on the world? F. Nephi Grigg
6. Which Idahoan is the state's best ever athlete? A.J. Feeley
7. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would I most like to see nuked? Pubic Tap
8. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would most like to see me nuked? Pubic Tap
9. What specific field of medicine does Doc Idaho practice? Hotsweetburningloveologist
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And how hard is his nutslap when he can't chuck wood in less than 10 seconds? Sherman Hemsley

 

Nice try Feingold, now sit your tree-hugging ass and your wooden pickle down.

You and the rest of your NIAFL-hopeful ilk are third-party candidates and I'm the GOP fundraising machine.

But unlike the rest of you making a spectacle of yourselves, I'm not sitting by the phone breathlessly waiting for my NIAFL call. I'm acting like I've been there before.

I'm doing the sexy things I do on a daily basis with my supple ass in tow, envisioning 21 eating a big-ass plate of Greek Japanese saganaki as I use Jim Sorgi to bring down a world of pain of her fantasy football existence. When my knowledge doesn't suffice, cheating will.

I will make one proviso, 21 will not be the only NIAFL member to feel the wrath of my dominance.

I'm calling Boom out, 80s rap DJ-style. I'd dis you in a rap, Boom, but I'm so hype, but the collateral damage of my street cred might hurt you and others. And since I beat Terminator X and Cut Creator in a DJ contest back in '88, you can't touch me on the wheels of steel.

So instead of that, when I punk you in the NIAFL, I'm taking you to the Northwest Territories (or whatever the fuck they're called now) where I will get you so blitzed on Yukon Jack and Carling's Black Label, that seal-clubbing will be your only outlet for the violence that mixture no doubt will conjure. And with 21 busy eating plates of humiliation in saganaki form back at home, you'll need companionship, which will only be available in Tim Horton's donut form. That's right, you'll be one seal-clubbing, donut-fucking disgrace, and when you fall through the ice of your own NIAFL making, you'll be at the mercy of the Canadian health system.

The SportsJournalists.com condolence missive will read as follows: Boom -- he loved 21, pictures of hillbillies with Burger King cups in their cleavage, and donuts.

And BYH, get your eyes off that Heaven 17 video. When I beat you, I'm taking you to Pube's house for a best-of-seven Strat-O-Matic football game against your new arch-nemesis. Before each game, Pube will take each card and explain to you why the NFL's superior financial system made it possible for the Indianapolis Colts to be competitive. He will use a PowerPoint demonstration to explain the subtle mystery of why its so great that the Colts could sign Terrance Wilkins in the offseason and the beauty of enforced parity. Once the game actually starts, you will navigate the Strat-O-Matic seas with your boy Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, A_F will be taking betting action at another seat, breathlessly anticipating every dice roll.

 

(speechless)

 

Here goes:

1. Which high school did I attend? Dropped out to join a breakdancing troupe. My breakin' handle is Bubbaloo Shrimp.
2. Which college football team do I want to see finish 0-12 every season? Notre Dame (that's my choice, I'm not interested in Modaho's butt-bumming Divison I-AA conferences in the mountains)
3. In which Uma Thurman movie does Uma Thurman's character most resemble Uma Thurman's SportsJournalists.com alter ego? Kill Bill?
4. What are the names of my children? I don't even know the names of my children.
5. Which Idahoan has made the most impact on the world? Walter Johnson
6. Which Idahoan is the state's best ever athlete? Walter Johnson
7. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would I most like to see nuked? None, even the trolls are entertaining in their idiotic way.
8. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would most like to see me nuked? Sauronseye/Press Box Bingo/Poloponies/DyePack
9. What specific field of medicine does Doc Idaho practice? Feelgood?
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And how hard is his nutslap when he can't chuck wood in less than 10 seconds? I don't get into the affairs of woodchucks, I let them live their lives

 

1. Which high school did Idaho attend? GED from Pocatello Technical Institute.
2. Which college football team does Idaho want to see finish 0-12 every season? BYU.
3. In which Uma Thurman movie does Uma Thurman's character most resemble Uma Thurman's SportsJournalists.com alter ego? My Super Ex-Girlfriend
4. What are the names of Idaho's children? You mean, all of them? Or just the legitimate ones?
5. Which Idahoan has made the most impact on the world? The one who invented the potato.
6. Which Idahoan is the state's best ever athlete? Harmon Killebrew
7. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would Idaho most like to see nuked? Pube, DyePack or maybe IJAG.
8. Which SportsJournalists.com personality would most like to see Idaho nuked? Pube, DyePack and also IJAG.
9. What specific field of medicine does Doc Idaho practice? Sex therapy. Her husband is also her #1 patient.
10. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And how hard is his nutslap when he can't chuck wood in less than 10 seconds? He's a Teamster. His contract says he can chuck wood as slow as he wants to.

 

I've seen several correct answers. Not sure who's my vote getter, yet, though.

 

Modaho, allow me to point out my unfailing honesty (I want you nuked) and the fact I'm the only entrant this far who has answered BOTH parts of the 10th question. Don't you want someone who pays attention to detail?

 

IJAG, when you're ready to get your nose out of his ass, holler at me.

 

I had to kick your ass out of the way to get to his.

 

Question 11: What did I eat for breakfast?

And why would you want me nuked?