Your Chance to Join NIAFL Football: The Essay Contest

I would have given you extra credit for the typo. Something very sexy about men who have better things to do than worry about whether their fingers always hit the keys in the right order.

Helluva essay. Although I thought it was Groucho, not Twain, who quipped that quote. No?

Saganaki is just another example of the Japanese taking over this country. Once they got Oprah on board, we were doomed.

 

Hi. My name is Carrie, and as far back as I can remember I've wanted to not be an idiot.
Why? Simple.

You know, they never call each other idiots. Like you said to, uh, somebody, "You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a not an idiot. He's one of us." You understand? They weren't idiots. Wiseguys, maybe. But Bubbler and Ricky Deep could never be made because they were pathetitards. It didn't even matter that Ricky's father was Idaho. To become a member of a crew you've got to be one hundred percent non-idiot so they can trace all your relatives back to the old country. See, it's the highest honor they can give you. It means you belong to a family and crew. It means that nobody can fuck around with you. It also means you could fuck around with anybody just as long as they aren't also a NIAFL member. It's like a license to steal. It's a license to do anything.

That's why I want to be a member.

 

And now? She's an average nobody. Last week, she ordered spaghetti and marinara; she got egg noodles and ketchup. She gets to live the rest of her life like a schnook.

 

The Good Doc Cockdian was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.

 

My vote might perchance go to the one who promises to use "methinks" relentlessly. Or I might want another new member to join if some tater head keeps talking about a fine cooking product like Crisco in such scurrilous ways.

 

21,
Ma'am, sweetheart, I did none of the above three things listed. Although, and being honest here because I believe honesty is another quality you will want in your next member, I was part of the Boom baby seals fiasco. So take that for what you will.

As far as Bubbler, do you want someone who is so cracked out on whateverthehellhessmoking in your league? Imagine it: You'll want to do a deal that saves you from a bye-week nightmare, but Mr. Bubs over here is passed out on his floor with a pipe in one hand and cheetos in the other. No deal.

Vote Ricky Deep: Drugs are for undeserving thugs.

 

Would you bring Samantha and the gang (can't think of the other Sex in the City names)to the league gatherings?

 

I will draft at least two Buffalo Bills

 

Dear NIAFL members,
     Quite a few reasons come to mind why I should be the one to join the league.
-I'm the east coast version of Idaho, sans tots. My woman takes care of me while I pursue this silly "sportswriting thing."
-Music plays whenever I enter a room; unfortunately, it's Night Ranger's "Sister Christian."
-I have more time than I know what to do with on Sundays; oh, and Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays.
-I drive a Dodge Stratus.
-Sixty percent of the time, I win every league I'm in. In most of those leagues, the players smell like a dirty diaper mixed with Indian food.
-If you're ever in Rhode Island, I can get you a free round of golf at one of the best courses in New England ... but only on a weekday.
-I know how to spell Houshmandzadeh, Laveranues and the ever-impossible Joe Horn.
-I own a copy of Heathers even though I was six when it came out.
But most of all, I think I should be in the league because of the East Coast bias. I don't know how it applies here, but I'm sure there's a way.
Vote Rhody in '06
EDIT: Dammit, I was hungover when I made that post ... just another reason to be voted in!!!

 

I have yet to weigh in on why I should be considered for entry into the league (I prefer to post closer to when voters go to the polls), but I'd like to point out one thing: Do you really want someone in your league who couldn't remember Kareem vs. Bruce Lee in "Game of Death?" Someone who, not only couldn't remember, but couldn't put out enough effort to research it on IMDB.com? If he can't type in "Kareem Abdul Jabbar" in IMDB's search engine, how can he be expected to keep up with the league? Just sayin'.

 

The difference, aside from geography, is my woman is Uma, your woman is Momma.

And it's Sister Christian.