Your life list, non-sportswriting version

Hell, if we're playing that game....I've had sex in 9 of the 19 states I've been to, plus DC as well. But not with joe.

 

Since a lot of focus on state visits seems to have developed, I've been to 14 states and DC, if you include a six-hour layover at JFK a visit to New York. I'd willingly accept it if that didn't count. It wasn't all that pleasant.

Countries: Germany, Mexico, Switzerland.

I can't believe I left off my most notable athletic achievement: I hit the deciding home run and made sliding catch on the left field foul line in the region championship doubleheader, giving my high school its first region championship in baseball.

Rappelled a 100-foot rockface. Then did it again.

learned to play The Little Drummer Boy on the piano. And virtually nothing else.

Played the medicine man in Johnny Moonbeam.
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IJAG, there has to be something you've done that you feel good about.

 

Not anything like this. Not actual accomplishments I'd brag about.

Actually, not even anything else. I get through my days. I go see movies with my friends. That's about it. Never seen anything famous, never really met anyone famous, never accomplished anything athletically, never won an award.

 

forgot one: had voice-of-god bob sheppard, via tape, introduce my wedding party at our wedding reception. no doubt the coolest thing at our very cool wedding.

 

--Shared an elevator with Richard Thomas.
--Have autographs from Ken Oberkfell, Ken Gerhart and Elrod Hendricks.
--Lost my virginity in the back of a Chevelle on a North Carolina farm road.
--Had a former governor of Tennessee touch my shoulder and say, 'hi son'
--Interviewed John Ashcroft with McGruff standing right there, then years later he came within inches of me at a homecoming parade.
--Helped carry off an upright when Missouri beat Oklahoma.
--Posted on the same board as Ryan Sonner.

 

-Ate 24 pancakes at one sitting
-Completed college in 3.5 years
-Held three jobs since graduation (maybe not a good thing)
-Performed live comedy, slam poetry, and other ventures in front of at least 250 people
-Highest average finisher on my college cross country team junior year
-Second team all-state high school cross country senior year
-Second team all-state high school track senior year
-Made game-winning three pointer against rival summer camp. I had 18 points that day, 5 threes.
-Runner up Homecoming king senior year
-Won a school wide award for dignity and honor in high school
-Cheered for the Sixers in LA during the 2001 NBA Finals
-Been to Fenway 5 times
-Scalped my way inside a Yankees/Red Sox game
-Scalped my way to see the Eagles win the NFC Championship
-Official been in 23 states, “been in” 5
-Know all the states and state capitals
-Cared after and helped shape the lives of 12-year-old boys for 4 summers of my life
-Taken road trips by myself to California, New Hampshire, Connecticut, and Massachusetts
-Sat through 2 double-headers as a fan, witnessed one no-hitter, and spent 24 innings in RFK stadium in the span of two days
-Caught a home run ball at Citizens Bank Park


More to come. These are the tame ones.

 

IJAG, I'm moving within a few hours of you. When I'm settled, maybe we can take a day trip and find fun stuff to do.

Few things from Jamaica:
• lived there 6 months
• interviewed Jimmy Carter and Evander Holyfield on Election Day
• walked through the countryside seeking Coco the shepherd and his 5-legged cow; found both, and asked the cow what it was like to have a leg sticking out of its neck
• went back to the countryside a week later to find Coco and his cow with 3 ears; found both; with a 3rd ear, the cow must've heard us coming from a mile away
• hung out and smoked with Frisco Kid and Bounty Killer and Ziggy Marley; took interesting photos of Lady Saw, Beenie Man, Tanya Stephenson, Red Rat and Italee, and other dancehall stars
• photographed "Reggae Boyz" as they qualified for the '98 World Cup

Great 6 months there.

 

OK ... a more definitive list since I've got a minute:
* Been to 41 states, as already stated. How I went all through New England and missed Maine, I don't know. Or all through the intermountain west and missed Wyoming. Sigh.
* Skipped the second and third grades, graduated high school barely 17, college barely 21
* Ran a gum ring as a freshman in high school ... would steal 20 packs from the local 7-11 in the morning and sell them at school for 50 cents a pop. Good money when you were 13. Got busted one day. Ran from said 7-11. Never stole again.
* Rode the roof of a friend's car at 14 at 40 miles per hour without falling off.
* Rode in the trunk on a great stretch of road in Virginia called "Devil's Backbone." Friend took it at 60 mph. Felt better than a rollercoaster.
* Played in the ocean during a tropical storm north of Jacksonville. Good times.
* Qualified "doubles hitter" as a prep baseball player. I had gap power and little speed. What can I say.
* Got drunk at a Sigma Chi party my first weekend at VT. Have hated Sigma Chi people since.
* Got back into the gym as a sophomore in college after putting on the freshman 40. Could barely bench 85 pounds.
* Three years later, maxed out at 275 on the bench.
* Rode my mountain bike to the top of Mt. Elden in Flagstaff ... seven miles straight freaking up. Nearly vomited at the top. Accomplishment of working your ass off to see the tremendous view was well worth it. Did the same on City Mountain in Durango.
* Got food poisoning in Moab, Utah ... for nine hours, I wanted to die. I've never felt such pain. At one point, I sat on the floor of my hotel bathroom crying.
* First birdie: Chip in from 70 yards out on a par-5. Yeah, I celebrated.
* First (and only) two-birdie round: At Poplar Forest in Forest, Va. ... birdied the par 3 3rd and did the same on the par 3 6th. Awesome feeling.
* Moshed at a Radiohead show at the old 9:30 Club in D.C.
* Threw a ton-80 in league darts competition ... team finished second in the league. We just didn't bring it in the championship match. Dammit.
* Fell in love with at least two girls I shouldn't have. Both broke my heart.
* Broke a girls heart in Arizona. Conveniently moved across country a month later.
* Watched Dolphins-Chargers game with Ashton Kutcher at Hard Rock in Vegas ... we both had money on the Dolphins ... and they didn't cover. Seemed like a nice enough guy.
* Won $340 playing craps one night at the MGM Grand. Nice.
And that's all I have ...

 

Golfed with Arturo Gatti and Micky Ward, who can't see for shit.
Covered the 2000 World Series and the 2000 Tour de France.
Ran with bulls, didn't die.
44 states, nine provinces, no territories.
Ate ribs in Kansas City, Key Lime Pie in Lunenburg.
Got engaged at night on a beach in the South Pacific, watching the fisherman draw in their catch with spotlights.
For eight sweet months of my life, I had no keys.
Lived in car in Flagstaff, Arizona.
Watched my baby son get his heart started back up with electricity.
Was clutched by Scarlett Johansson while walking through a wax museum.
Was in a doublepage spread in US magazine, photographed on the bumper cars on the Santa Monica Pier with Naomi Watts. Was labelled her "new special friend." Hoped that didn't mean I was retarded.
Went diving with sharks in the Blue Hole in Belize.
Got paid to write two books and one film treatment.
Castrated 400 pigs in one day.
Had gall bladder out; bled on George Clooney's couch.
Lived in Australia; survived eating a burger with "the works" on it.
Got my natural four of a kind rivered by a gutshot straight flush.
Shit the bed while sleeping with my dad in a Hong Kong hotel room.
Watched Blue Jays win their first World Series on October 27, 1992; lost virginity twenty minutes later.
Met my future wife when I worked as Boomer the Beaver, the Parks Canada mascot; her official title was "Beaver Handler."
Smoked dope on a beach in Byron Bay with Ricky Williams.
Had a few drinks with a few people.
Won a National Magazine Award.
Swallowed a Lego man.
Bought a good bed.
While canoeing the Moon River, hallucinated so bad I thought I saw a humpback whale surface beside us.
And today, I grouted my new bathroom floor. Went with mocha.

 

some fun memories.
-- dunked a basketball, double-pump reverse, in front of 500 camp kids. This was waayy cool. What wasn't so cool was that it came after I caught the ball on the front of the rim on previous attempt and landed back-first in the lane.
-- Made 13 three-pointers in a basketball game
-- sneaked into the first world series game in Atlanta's history
-- conned my way onto the bench of an NBA preseason game, posing as a ballboy. Made off with Dr. J's towel and Andrew Toney's sweatbands.
-- Partied one night with Barkley and Jordan, who seemed to REALLY like my girlfriend.
-- funnelled a pint of vodka and lived to tell about it (or so they say; I don't remember it)
-- Had my shoes and pants stolen at a college party and had to sprint out in bare feet and underwear when the police showed up to raid it.
-- Spent a year in college working as a bar bouncer so I could drink for free every night. Which was fine until the night a guy pulled a gun in the bar and I had to get it away from him.
-- Won $1000 in the first golf tournament I ever entered. All downhill from there.

 

Eh.

Mocha?