You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine - UPDATED !!!

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

My parents paid for the big-name, big-rep school. For that, I am grateful. However, they handled it with less delicacy than 21's dad. Basically, I went to the school they thought was the most prestigous, or they weren't paying.

I had a fantastic college experience, and I love my alma mater (even though it had no journalism program!) But be careful with how you make the sales pitch. If it sounds too much like, "You'll do what I want because I said so," your niece is just going to wind up resenting you -- and trying her damndest to do the opposite.

It seems like she'll understand the financial situation if it's explained to her... and a full ride at the better school seems near impossible to turn down, at least to me.

One of my childhood friends had to say no to Yale, even though she got in early decision, because the money just wasn't there. So she went to Rice on a full ride, eventually got her doctorate at Michigan (the real one ) and is now a history professor with minimal debts. I think it'll turn out okay for your niece too.

By the way, if you want to be really freaked out by how much high school has changed, read "Overachievers" by Alexandra Robbins. My past stress seems like a blip on the radar compared to what the kids in her book went through.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

Lugs,

Having been a student facing a similar situation (in many ways to your niece's, actually) I would say that it's best to let her make her own decision. My family did not make my decision for me; while they pushed me to go to other schools, they pretty much stayed out of the process except for arranging and going on the visits with me and it made me really feel things out for myself. Sure, some of that was because they really had no idea what they were doing with the college search, as I'm the first one in my family who will graduate with a bachelor's degree, but when it comes down to it, it's not about where you will be happy - it's about where she will be happy.

Was my family happy with my decision to attend a less-prestigious state school over some of the better schools I got accepted to? No. But they lived with it, they supported it and it grew on them. It would be best for her if you did the same as well.

Hope this helps.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

Luggie,

I know this probably hurts, but if she's been through the kind of hell you've described, I think trusting her instinct at this point may be the road to go.

My mother wasn't thrilled I wasn't applying to her alma mater ... then again, I didn't have that burn to be valedictorian and all that jazz. She was pleased with the two in-state schools where I applied, and asked me to apply to the third school, a private institution with a rock-solid reputation. After their overly intrusive financial aid form was filled out, I was pretty turned off ... while I understood that the school didn't want to help just anyone, but the way the form was pieced together was off-putting.

So I gladly settled for one of the public in-state places (it's not tricky to figure out which one). I was offered a partial scholarship to another school in the state system, and Mom was kind enough to say "forget it. Not worth it ... I'll pay the difference."

My alma mater didn't have a J-school. Should have taken that as a sign.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

One of the elite universities in the world is in Toronto.

Lugnuts, I think the kid owes it to herself to go to the better school.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

I am a sophomore in college right now and had to make a very similar decision on going to college. My decision, though, was between two schools that weren't that far apart in terms of academics. One was a good state school which offered many things including: D-1 sports to cover, warm weather year round and about 75% tuition. The school that I ended up at is a small private school with cold weather most of the year but they offered a full academic ride which included tuition, room and board and a stipend each semester. After having a great time on a visit to that school it became a no-brainer decision for me. I am so glad that I did, too because I am in London for this semester and I was able to save up plenty of money, plus my parents were willing to give me enough money so that I can travel around Europe during the semester without going into debt. The peace of mind knowing that I won't have any debts after college is so nice.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

How'd that work out for you in the BCS title game?

(sorry luggie, good luck.)

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine


I wonder how much is a bit of rebellion, as you suggest.
In her mind, its choosing a school.
In the minds of the adults around her, its a "life-altering decision."
That kind of responsibility, even for one who has shown a willingness to accept it, can sometimes be overwhelming.
She lost one of the people closest to her at an early age and I would suggest going to the same school as her friend is more than just being a teenager. Perhaps there's some real separation anxiety and her friend's presence is a real comfort.
I would accept her choice and support it. You might even find if she gets that kind of acceptance, it might free her up to rethink it. She doesn't have to stubbornly stick to her guns to assert her indepence.
"Let them choose their own path and you will find it most often leads back home", home in this case being the school you think she should attend.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

Let her go to State and be happy.... that's what it's supposed to be about, right? It's not like the freakin kid wanted to go to Ohio U or Missouri!

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

She's been through a lot. I respect that. However ...

She's still 18. At 18, you get to pick which color car you want, not the car.

Personally, I'd tell her money's, money. Don't be a burden, go to "Michigan". But I think if you can let her think going to "Michigan" was her idea in the first place, she'll change her mind back.

Plus, you can say things like "Michigan State had a big herpes outbreak last week."

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

If it was between a Michigan and a Michigan State, I dont see the big deal.
If it was between a Michigan (or SUNY-Ann Arbor, whichever) and an Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan or Ferris State type school, that's different.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine


You guys will be pleased to know that we haven't said anything yet. All we've said is how proud we are of her, and congratulations, etc. Although, Mr. Lugs did tell her I cried when I found out. But since I haven't tried to push her, I'm working with a clean slate here.

Great idea, shotty. In the end, she's a level-headed kid. I need to play to that. And you've made me think of another point of logic:

"Michigan" is in a quaint college town. "State" is in a city. "State" also happens to be in close proximity to one of the best private schools in the country. My niece flat out REFUSED to apply to said private school because she thinks it's way, way, way too snobby (plus the cost.) She literally hates that school. So I could make the subtle point to her: If you go to "State," you'll constantly be in the shadow of "Snooty U." You will run into "Snooty U" kids at parties, shopping, etc." That ought to piss her off! ;D

Another great idea. She plays the violin, and she likes shopping. I could certainly find out about that stuff -- I just need to be subtle about it.

She definitely has friends at State, and she's spent many weekends up there... and you're comfortable with what you know, which is probably part of the problem. I do know that one of her friends at State is saying, "C'mon. You've got to go to 'Michigan.'" I'm sure there are other kids in her class who will be going to "Michigan."

I'm sure the loss of her father pulls her toward comfort and friendship, which is something I'll never fully be able to get. I shouldn't understate the impact of the best friend. When her dad died, she had a best friend-- Sally-- and after a little while, Sally basically flew the coop on my niece, which was really painful. Then this other girl-- Jane-- stepped in and was a rock for my niece. They spent the rest of high school thick as thieves, and Jane is a wonderful person. (This story was the topic of one of my niece's college essays.)

Ha! Regarding money: She also got into a couple of out-of-state schools, and in an effort to point her to "Michigan" by narrowing the field, her mom told her she's only paying for her to go in state. That leaves just the two schools. Right now, her mom's the "bad cop" on this. So we have an opportunity to be good cops. Or I could be a bad cop, too, and Mr. Lugs could be a good cop.

I do think if we hit the financial point very hard, she would feel enormous pressure to go to "Michigan," and probably would go there. Which is why we have to be very careful. Which is why I asked everybody's advice.

 

Re: You've Solved 21's Problem - Now I Could Use Your Help with Mine

It does. But why did you choose the school you did?

I'll check that out -- thanks. She's pretty type-A and puts tons and tons of pressure on herself-- to the point where she almost makes herself sick sometimes. She also tends to downplay expectations at every turn. She was actually worried she wouldn't be accepted anywhere, and so was her mother! Naturally, she was accepted everywhere she applied. :

Good info, thanks. I also need to check out the international programs at both places because she loves to travel.

Yep.

She's also very independent, and I'm sure, likes the thought of going somewhere that we didn't really help her on the application. Which is crazy, because so many kids have hired professionals helping them with their apps.

slapster, Michigan State is actually a better school than this "State." Although, this "State" is much improved, as the grandparents keep pointing out. The grandparents are NOT helping matters at the moment.

Thanks everybody... I really appreciate it.