This stuff coming to light has meant that I sometimes think about certain moments in my life and how I would play them differently now.
For instance. When I was a professor, I had a female student in my class, a mature student who I liked very much. She was just a cool person, had lived an interesting life. (There was zero sexual tension, either way. I feel a need to make that clear.) She came to my office once, really upset. She felt as though I didn't like her, and she said that how I behaved toward her in class made her think that. The truth was that I liked her a bunch—she was one of my favourite students, very smart and capable—and I had subconsciously put her in some kind of "I don't need to worry about her, she'll be fine" box. So I didn't give her the same attention that I was giving some of my struggling kids. Anyway, she came to my office, and she started to cry. I shut the door, which I was told never to do, but it was just basic human instinct, because there were lots of people in the hall. We talked it out—a long, good conversation, but a pretty emotional one, too. I asked after if she wanted a hug. (I am a hugger, or I used to be.) She said, "I could really use a hug." We hugged. That was it. She said she felt better. Everything was totally fine after. We've stayed in touch over the years.
But now? I'm almost certain I wouldn't close the door, and I definitely would not ask if she wanted a hug. And I think that's probably the right approach, and I made mistakes back then. But I do think a little about what would have been lost, too. I'd like to think she feels good about that moment if she even remembers it, but maybe she doesn't. I don't know. Some of this stuff is really complicated.
