D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

[swingline]

The indentation remains on my ring finger. Eventually, it will fade and disappear, the last physical vestige of my connection to her.

On Saturday, my wife of 10 years — 15 years in a relationship — told me she wants a divorce. A combination of disease diagnoses and the pandemic caused me to check out — "check out" her words. And, she's mostly correct in that assessment. But it's also true that she's always on her phone, to the point that the kids have to ask a question twice before she notices they've asked.

Things have been a bit strained in the last year, I'll acknowledge. I would have gone to marriage counselling, I told her, but it's also true that I had a hard time going to a counsellor for my own self. I'm not blameless, but I would have appreciated a little more conversation or even confrontation before she dropped this steaming pile of dogshirt in my lap.

I left that evening and drove around for hours before heading to a bar. Watching couples have fun together made me sad. I checked into a motel and tossed and turned all night.

Our oldest seemed to have been OK when my wife told her. But it's going to tear up our 8-year-old when she tells her.

My mom lives with us, so she's getting out, too. The logistics are a forking nightmare.

It's going to suck to go back to being poor. It's going to suck to have my kids over to a shirtty house or apartment. It's going to suck that all the plans I had for our future are now dead and gone.

It sucks.

I've been wrestling with whether to post this. I don't really go into personal details on here, because the last thing I want are thoughts and prayers or ... or ... or. But it's a little therapeutic to at least type it out.

Peace, y'all.

 

[Matt1735]

Strive to make every day better than the last ... for yourself and your kids.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I can't really offer much, but I'm sorry. Take care of yourself and your kids.

 

[Webster]

From personal experience, I can say that marriage counseling can be a really good thing. But if it isn't an option and/or doesn't work, better to be happier than unhappy, even if the finances will be tougher. I can also say from personal experience that being a kid of an unhappy marriage is worse than the other alternatives.

Be strong.

 

[wicked]

Sorry to see this. Take care of yourself first. If you can't/don't do that, you won't be able to take care of your little ones.

 

[jr/shotglass]

I wish I had something sage to say, but all I know is I want you to feel good about things again. So find something or someone to help get you there.

 

[poindexter]

So there was no step between "we've hit a rough patch" and "I want a divorce"?

 

[qtlaw]

As a kid from a divorce I will say that its better to have divorced parents than two married people yelling and screaming at each other and trying to parent as well. And kids know if you're faking it.

I wish you and your kids the best of a difficult situation.

 

[jlee]

Best of luck.

It may be too late for marriage counseling, but it sure isn't too late to see someone to help you get through this, especially if it helps you help your kids.

 

[garrow]

So sorry to hear this, swingline. Best of luck, man.

 

[Moderator1]

You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it is worth it!
Sorry, trying to add a little levity. Someone told me that not long after my marriage ended. I laughed a little.

And I'll say this in all seriousness: You'll wake up one day, sooner than you think, and realize this is a good thing. If your marriage was to the point where either party was thinking like this, clearly there were issues. The early bumps you'll experience will smooth out and then, mash the pedal to the floor and roll.

My former wife took up with a guy we'd known for years along with his wife. Our kids swam together. Far as I know, this likely happened while we were still married but at this point? Whatever. The other wife found out later and was pretty upset. Unlike me, who knew our marriage was not stable, she thought hers was and this was a shock. I told her, look, you're going to think this is lip service but trust me: You will wake up one day, sooner than you think, and say to yourself DAMN, this is the best thing that could have happened.

Four weeks later, she calls me. Doesn't lead with hello. Says DAMN, THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED. Wow, I said, I was thinking 4-6 months!

She ended up digging in, getting a huge settlement, retiring from teaching and is now the owner of a very successful business. He had to take out loans to pay her off and she's now rolling in green.

There's another side and you'll get there fast.

 

[Sea Bass]

Your story is similar to mine, but in reverse. In 2012 I told my then-wife I was out. Married 10 years, together 13. Two girls, age eight and five at the time.

I moved out of our house, which was a nice one, into a small apartment in town. Nice part of town but it was really small. All I could afford given I was still paying the mortgage on the house and child support.

It was really rough for a couple months. I was embarrassed about bringing the kids to a place way smaller than their house. They were obviously too young to understand why that was all I could afford. I felt like I'd made a mistake and thought about going back.

But soon after, I met a girl and we hit it off immediately. Fantastic woman. Fantastic mother and stepmother. We're now married five years.

Bottom line, it gets better.