How does your family handle death?

[MisterCreosote]

On the flip side of that equation, my grandfather and uncle died within a month of each other. I wrote obituaries for both and submitted them to their hometown paper, which said it would get back to me about rates.

The paper then decided they were prominent enough that they were going to "write" "articles" on both of them, and there would be no charge.

Then I saw what they ran. They took the obits I wrote and turned them into a series of quotes attributed to me, and then wrote some fluff around them.

I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone here that I don't speak in the same tone and cadence with which I write obituaries. The "articles" read like they were quoting an AI stroke victim.

 

[Liut]

When my mother died, my devastated father didn't think twice about paying the obscene obit rates (being of that age group where obits and newspapers were a must). Then the paper got her name way wrong - not these names, but the rough equivalent of saying Marjorie instead of Marilyn. He called the paper and they re-ran it correctly, then on the day of the funeral, where they do the little reminder of today's funeral services, got the name wrong again.

I waited a few days, and after traveling back home, called and got the publisher on the phone. I explained everything, and finally said, "Do you know how many people at the visitation made reference to 'the stupid forking newspaper that can't even get a name correct in an obit' and how disrespectful that is?"

Wasn't his fault, but for those prices, and in the emotional aftermath of it all, I wanted to get my pound of flesh wherever I could get it. He couldn't wait to get off that call.

I haven't had to write obits often but I'll never forget a lady in a cubicle near mine saying, "Liut, I take my job seriously. For most people, their obituary will be the last thing ever written about them."
A big problem is papers just copy and paste the funeral home notice. I'm convinced writing is not taught at mortuary school. In addition, the notices don't get proofed (I do) and, well, there you have it.

 

[Liut]

On the flip side of that equation, my grandfather and uncle died within a month of each other. I wrote obituaries for both and submitted them to their hometown paper, which said it would get back to me about rates.

The paper then decided they were prominent enough that they were going to "write" "articles" on both of them, and there would be no charge.

Then I saw what they ran. They took the obits I wrote and turned them into a series of quotes attributed to me, and then wrote some fluff around them.

I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone here that I don't speak in the same tone and cadence with which I write obituaries. The "articles" read like they were quoting an AI stroke victim.

Sorry that happened. Must have been infuriating.

 

[dixiehack]

This thread and the one on "Your Fuse" are two of the better ones we've had on Anything Goes lately.

 

[BurnsWhenIPee]

I haven't had to write obits often but I'll never forget a lady in a cubicle near mine saying, "Liut, I take my job seriously. For most people, their obituary will be the last thing ever written about them."
A big problem is papers just copy and paste the funeral home notice. I'm convinced writing is not taught at mortuary school. In addition, the notices don't get proofed (I do) and, well, there you have it.

I remember spending a good chunk of a summer internship taking obits over the phone from funeral homes. The fear of God was put into me on Day One about getting everything perfect on them.

On my mother's, I worked with my siblings to write up the paid obit, gave it to the funeral home, which then got it to the newspaper. They did a straight copy-and-paste, and everything was correct except for the name they put in the headline for it.

Now I'm getting pissed off again about it.

 

[Driftwood]

I wrote my dad's obit many months before he died, and I already have my mom's ready to go except for the final date. When he died, my former paper didn't charge us for the obit. That wasn't a management call. I know it was the person who does them just sweeping it under the rug. I was thankful. I really didn't leave on bad terms or anything, and it's been a dozen years, but I wasn't expecting that. When it went in, the funeral home was told, "Mr. Driftwood was a long-time employee here, so there isn't any charge."

As for preachers, when my wife's mom died, the preacher did a fine job and was a nice enough guy, but I bristled a bit because he's telling all these stories (which were true) in a first-hand manner, and I know for a fact he never met her. I just didn't care for that.

 

[I Should Coco]

My best friend from high school's dad died in March and a memorial mass was held in April, which me and my wife drove home for. Gene was like a second father to me. Any time I stopped by when they were eating, he fixed a plate for me and demanded I sit and eat with them. If he was taking Mike and Ryan (his brother) somewhere it was always "Call BYM2 and tell him we're picking him up." This one really hit me hard because no one told me he was as bad as he was and every time I wanted to go and see him he wasn't doing well. I started to get the idea of how bad he was when they told me he was in a nursing home.

So, we get to the church -- a Catholic parish I grew up attending church and school at -- and the priest immediately mentions that, while this is indeed a sad occasion, people would need to be leaving immediately after because they had another funeral mass immediately after. A death that, "while Gene's was sad, this one was sadder because they died tragically." I sat in the pew, straightening my tie and thinking, "I'm pretty cynical but that's a pretty forked up thing to say."

He then referenced the upcoming funeral again (It was two teens killed on a dirt bike). And then again. At this point, my wife -- who also was raised attending Catholic church and school -- turned to me and said, "this guy is really bad at this."

After the service let out, friends and family were milling about to give condolences to Mike and Ryan and their mother. The Priest was making his way through as well, again hinting that we should be hitting the road since the 11:30 a.m. funeral would be arriving soon.

I'd gone 15 years without stepping in that church, and only did it in 2009 because my cousin was getting married. It wouldn't bother me to never step foot in it again.

"Like" isn't the right reply to your post, but I certainly agree with it.

My blood also boils when the priest at a funeral or wedding hammers away at the "don't come up to Communion if you're not Catholic." The right thing to say (and some priests do) is that everyone is welcome to come to the altar during Communion, but if you're not Catholic, simply cross your arms and receive a blessing.

Always thought that was much better than saying, in essence, "Stay in your pew, heathens!"

 

[maumann]

In the same vein, one of my golfing buddies died of COVID during the pandemic. He was just a month younger than me but had other underlying health issues. He was also a Baptist minister, so even though I didn't attend the service in person, I watched online just to see what a Baptist funeral in the belt buckle of the Bible Belt might be like.

My goodness. I learned nothing new about Donnie, because they rarely mentioned him except that he's now with The Lord. The two preachers who performed the ceremony used the entire time to demand everyone in attendance repent and be baptized that very day or they'd all wind up in heck for all eternity.

"Can I get an AMEN?"

And yes, the preacher who acts like they've known the deceased as a close friend when they basically cribbed the sermon from the family's memories is especially creepy.

 

[Deskgrunt50]

The three biggest deaths in my life have been in the last nine years. Beloved grandfather. Dad. Then mom.

Generally stoic with a family reunion-type feel, with a lot of great old stories and some humor. I guess that's the best way to describe.

All had pretty been ill for 1-3 years before their deaths. So not exactly the emotions that come with sudden or tragic or totally unexpected. Sad but clear-eyed enough to savor the good times.

The hardest part was that they all lived a plane trip away from my sisters and me. There were many more visits near the end. But not the same as being there all the time.

My ultra-talented oldest sister took the lead writing the obits with input and edits from my other sister and me. From a journalism family, there was no way would we let the funeral home or overworked desker near that task.

The obits were on the longer side and we put them all in both the local paper and the city paper. No memory of cost. I think maybe it was just part of the overall package at the funeral home?

 

[Driftwood]

This might be a good time to point out I hate - loathe to my very core - over the top obits. Give the details of the person's life for the historical record.
I don't care if he was Dale Earnhardt's biggest fan. I don't care if he loved his 1932 John Deere tractor. He wasn't called home, nor is he singing with Jesus.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Nah, I think the obit should be whatever the family wants, first and foremost.

 

[maumann]

Everybody in the local paper passes away, left this earth, is greeted by Jesus, joins the choir of angels or any other possible euphemism for dying, and I think part of it is being in a small southern town. I always applaud the rare obit where someone admits "John Doe died."

Everybody dies. The end, literally.

I've told Gwen not to spend a nickel on a paid obit, unless she puts "His body is currently being picked apart by vultures." Although we both have opted for cremation, so perhaps "His ashes are currently blowing across portions of I-85" might work.