Basketball column

[Precious Roy]

Sticking my neck out here because I know the kind of people here are solid, and I just want some sort of feedback.
Thanks in advance,
Precious Roy

Sure, it was Stacy Johnson-Klein's day in the spotlight, but I wasn't going to let all the major players from the Lawton-Fort Sill Cavalry get away without finding out a little more about the state of the league and what's happing in the Continental Basketball Association.
So here goes, mark your calendars, Dec. 5 is opening night in the Great Plains Coliseum.
Against who is still unknown, but everything seems to be coming together for the season to begin around that time.
"All owners have submitted schedules to the league, and the league is working on a schedule right now," Cavs managing partner Mike Brown said. "It will probably 30-60 days before we get any exact news."
But a lot can change in those 30-60 days, like maybe expansion?
"Our ownership group is dedicated, as are the other owners, to push forward the expansion issue," Brown said. "There will be good news in the future."
But from what I heard before the press conference, expansion was on the horizon on a small scale, with former Cavs general manager Otis Birdsong heading up the committee for expansion.
But what I heard from Cavs part owner John Zelbst surprised me.
"I hate to pick a number, but we would hope to get at least three new teams, maybe five new teams," Zelbst said. "There are some really A+ prospects that could come in."
And that is on top of the return of the team from Yakima, Wash. There are big hopes from Cavs ownership that the league certainly has some life left.
"We think Yakama is going to come back, so that's on top (the 3-5 teams)," Zelbst said. "We want to build our league to a 24-team league and we think we can do that."
That many teams? Can the league handle that? Right now, it doens't look good, but there is always a silver lining and that is people like the Cavs ownership and Birdsong making sure that the owners that want into the CBA are more like themselves and less like Baron Hopgood.
"The owners of the teams are in constant communication with each other and we are ready to get the season started," Brown said.
Zelbst also put forward the idea of an interleague play between the CBA and another league.
"We may have some interleague play with another league, and that is possibly in the works, so I think it's going to be very exciting," Zelbst said.
I hate to say it John, but that's just not a good idea. The only leagues that you could interleague with are the American Basketball Association and the Premiere Basketball League. Given the animosity that the CBA and PBL have with each other, that leaves the ABA.
I have to beg, please don't play against the ABA. A shorter season is fine if you can keep yourselves from watering down the competition by adding ABA teams to the schedule. But that's just my two cents.
A lot has also been said about the impact of the SuperSonics move to Oklahoma City, but I have to agree with Cavs ownership that the impact will be minimal.
"The Sonics deal, people have been talking about that and it's going to be nothing but good for us in our opinion," Brown said.
With the price of gas being what it is I have to agree. Personally, if I don't get paid to cover one of the games I likely will not be making a trip to the Ford Center any time soon.
Michael Ray taking control
On the floor, the Cavs personel decisions fall into the hands of head coach Michael Ray Richardson, and he's already on the phone taking charge.
"I did this in Albany, so there is nothing going to change," Richardson said. "If I need Otis (Birdsong), I'm going to get on the phone."
Richardson has the duties of replacing Daryan Selvy, the CBA Player of the Year, and Marvin Phillips, the CBA Defensive Player of the Year. I thought that wherever Richardson went, Phillips followed, but Richardson informed me that he's trying to get Phillips on a team overseas.
"I'm trying to get him over in France for $100,000," Richardson said. "Daryan Selvy is going to play in Japan where he got $180,000 for eight months. My job is to get these guys moved up."
The possible returnees for the Cavs are right now Curtis Haywood, Adam Spanich, Shawn Daniels, Tony Key and Brandon Dean.
Dean is the surprise returner from that group, as I thought of him as the team's most valuable player after the Cavs signed him last year and he is a very capable point guard.
Richardson is hoping that Dean can find a more lucrative position, but if he doesn't, he'll be with the Cavs this winter.
"He's still looking for a job overseas, but if he doesn't get one he'll play here," Richardson said.
The coach has also found his first new player to join the squad, as former CBA All-Star Alpha Bengura will join the team.
"There is a guy that played in the CBA a couple of years ago by the name of Alpha Bengura. He was a two-time league-leading scorer," Richardson said. "He's been playing overseas recently, he'll be here. I've been on the phone constantly. On opening night, we'll have 10 good basketball players."
With the draft in September, you know that Richardson is plotting to find the best player available.
Richardson is also going to be heading south of the border with a few of the Cavs favorites joining him as his team of all-stars will take on the Mexican national team.
"I'm going on Monday, and taking Tony Key, Shawn Daniels, Daryan Selvy, Marvin Phillips, Brandon Dean and Curtis Haywood," Richardson said.
In all, it looks like a year full of interesting developments.
"If you arn't there, you are going to miss it," Zelbst said.

 

[verbalkint]

Roy- My edits are in all caps, with notes at the end.



Sure, it was Stacy Johnson-Klein's day in the spotlight, but I wasn't going to let all the major players from the Lawton-Fort Sill Cavalry get away without finding out a little more about the state of the league and what's happing in the Continental Basketball Association. (AS FAR AS OPENING LINES GO, IT'S A BIT LONG AND A BIT DRY. I'D START TELLING YOU WHICH PHRASES TO CUT, OR A WAY TO REWRITE IT, BUT IT NEEDS MORE THAN JUST THAT. EVEN IF IT'S JUST A ROUND-UP, MAKE-SURE-THIS-GENERAL-INFO-GETS-TO-THE-PUBLIC KIND OF STORY, I NEED SOMETHING MORE COLORFUL. ALSO, I'VE GOT A HYPHENATED NAME, A HYPENATED TEAM NAME, AND AN ORGANIZATION NAME, ALL IN THE FIRST SENTENCE -- TOO MUCH.)
So here goes, (DITCH "HERE GOES") mark your calendars, Dec. (DECEMBER) 5 is opening night in the Great Plains Coliseum.
Against who (I THINK IT'D BE "WHOM," BUT IN ANY CASE I'D GO WITH "THE OPPONENT") is still unknown, but everything seems to be coming together for the season to begin around that time.
"All owners have submitted schedules to the league, and the league is working on a schedule right now," Cavs managing partner Mike Brown said. "It will probably (BE?) 30-60 days before we get any exact news."
But a lot can change in those 30-60 days, like maybe expansion? (TWO SENTENCES: ". . .those 30-60 days. Like maybe expansion?")
"Our ownership group is dedicated, as are the other owners, to push forward the expansion issue," Brown said. "There will be good news in the future."
But from what I heard before the press conference, expansion was on the horizon on a small scale, with former Cavs general manager Otis Birdsong heading up the committee for expansion.
But what I heard (REPETITIVE – READERS KNOW YOU HAVE MORE ACCESS THAN THEM, BUT DON'T POINT IT OUT TOO MUCH. I'D KEEP THE "I HEARD" IN THIS GRAPH, AS IT SEEMS EXCLUSIVE) from Cavs part owner John Zelbst surprised me.
"I hate to pick a number, but we would hope to get at least three new teams, maybe five new teams," Zelbst said. "There are some really A+ prospects that could come in."
And that is on top of the return of the team from Yakima, Wash. There are big hopes from Cavs ownership that the league certainly has some life left.
"We think Yakama is going to come back, so that's on top (the 3-5 teams)," Zelbst said. "We want to build our league to a 24-team league and we think we can do that."
That many teams? Can the league handle that? Right now, it doens't (DOESN'T) look good, but there is always a silver lining and that is people like the Cavs ownership and Birdsong making sure that the owners that want into the CBA are more like themselves and less like Baron Hopgood. (RUN-ON, AND A BIT CLUMSY – "A SILVER LINING AND THAT IS PEOPLE. . ." MAKE IT TWO SENTENCES. ALSO, "BARON HOPGOOD" MEANS NOTHING TO ME.)
"The owners of the teams are in constant communication with each other and we are ready to get the season started," Brown said. (CLICHÉ)
Zelbst also put forward the idea of an interleague play between the CBA and another league.
"We may have some interleague play with another league, and that is possibly in the works, so I think it's going to be very exciting," Zelbst said.
I hate to say it John, but that's just not a good idea. (GOOD.) The only leagues that you could interleague with are the American Basketball Association and the Premiere Basketball League. Given the animosity that the CBA and PBL have with each other (BACKGROUND?), that leaves the ABA.
I have to beg, please don't play against the ABA. A shorter season is fine if you can keep yourselves from watering down the competition by adding ABA teams to the schedule. (EXPLAIN HOW IT WOULD "WATER DOWN THE COMPETITION") But that's just my two cents. (CLICHÉ)
A lot has also been said about the impact of the SuperSonics move to Oklahoma City, but I have to agree with Cavs ownership that the impact will be minimal.
"The Sonics deal, people have been talking about that and it's going to be nothing but good for us in our opinion," Brown said.
With the price of gas being what it is I have to agree. Personally, if I don't get paid to cover one of the games I likely will not be making a trip to the Ford Center any time soon. (I'D USUALLY ADVISE AGAINST "SHOP TALK" IN A COLUMN. IT'S JUST MY ROMANTIC IDEA, BUT I THINK YOU WANT TO PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT A COLUMNIST, OR A REPORTER, AND THAT YOU'RE JUST A PERSON THINKING ON THE PAGE. MAYBE "IF I DON'T FIND FIVE BARRELS OF CRUDE OIL IN MY GARAGE," OR "UNLESS THE SONICS SIGN ME TO A 10-DAY CONTRACT…")
Michael Ray taking control
On the floor, the Cavs personel decisions fall into the hands of head coach Michael Ray Richardson, and he's already on the phone taking charge.
"I did this in Albany, so there is nothing going to change," Richardson said. "If I need Otis (Birdsong), I'm going to get on the phone."
Richardson has the duties of replacing Daryan Selvy, the CBA Player of the Year, and Marvin Phillips, the CBA Defensive Player of the Year. I thought that wherever Richardson went, Phillips followed, but Richardson informed me that he's trying to get Phillips on a team overseas.
"I'm trying to get him over in France for $100,000," Richardson said. "Daryan Selvy is going to play in Japan where he got $180,000 for eight months. My job is to get these guys moved up."
The possible returnees for the Cavs are right now Curtis Haywood, Adam Spanich, Shawn Daniels, Tony Key and Brandon Dean. (SOME CONTEXT – TELL ME WHY ONE OR TWO OF THESE GUYS MATTER, EITHER WITH STATS OR EXPLAINING A ROLE. TOUGH TO DROP FIVE NAMES IN A ROW ON THE READER.)
Dean is the surprise returner from that group, as I thought of him as the team's most valuable player after the Cavs signed him last year and he is a very capable point guard.
Richardson is hoping that Dean can find a more lucrative position, but if he doesn't, he'll be with the Cavs this winter.
"He's still looking for a job overseas, but if he doesn't get one he'll play here," Richardson said.
The coach has also found his first new player to join the squad, as former CBA All-Star Alpha Bengura will join the team.
"There is a guy that played in the CBA a couple of years ago by the name of Alpha Bengura. He was a two-time league-leading scorer," Richardson said. "He's been playing overseas recently, he'll be here. I've been on the phone constantly. On opening night, we'll have 10 good basketball players."
With the draft in September, you know that Richardson is plotting to find the best player available. (CLICHÉ)
Richardson is also going to be heading south of the border with a few of the Cavs favorites joining him as his team of all-stars will take on the Mexican national team.
"I'm going on Monday, and taking Tony Key, Shawn Daniels, Daryan Selvy, Marvin Phillips, Brandon Dean and Curtis Haywood," Richardson said.
In all, it looks like a year full of interesting developments. (BORING)
"If you arn't (AREN'T) there, you are going to miss it," Zelbst said.


- Okay, now some notes. First, a couple obvious typos. I hope these didn't make the paper, and that the mistakes came when you had to retype it onto SportsJournalists.com. If they DID make the paper, it's a good example of why you should grab your column at the last minute and toss it into MS Word. The version of word I have not only underlined them as misspelled, but FIXED them after a minute. They're minor mistakes, but if, someday, you write something you're really proud of, and a couple errors like that get printed, it'll be hard to get it out of your head. (Believe me.)

- To get back to the intro. I told you I'm not a big fan of it, and here's why: it feels like the introduction by a radio guy. And, what takes 10-15 painless seconds on the radio – and then disappears – seems very bland in print. It is, for my taste, MUCH too relaxed, too breezy. You have to find the crux of the story – or, in a wide-ranging story like this, the most interesting piece – and bring it to life in some way, either through style, humor, art, or force. (Chris Jones once wrote a Tiger Woods story in Esquire where the first sentence was "Imagine." Your sentence has 49 words, and doesn't say much.) In this story, I like how the league is sort of on-the-fly, so how about this. "Mark your calendars for the fifth day in December. But use a pencil."

- Also, in the first line, and a few times later, you've inserted yourself when you don't need to. As a columnist, you'll find it necessary sometimes to say, "He told me…" or "As I sat…" but those occasions are quite rare. When you're done with a column, go back and try to take yourself out of it wherever you don't belong. The extremes of this are celebrity name-droppers (a la Mike Wilbon, "I was sitting with Shaq the other day") but even in a small market, you could convince yourself that your mere presence or involvement elevates a news event. It does not.

- The two parts I liked the most: a) the haphazardness of the league, the "maybe we'll have 16 teams in December, or maybe 24 in November…" I know mid-level owners are often secretive (as rich guys in smaller towns) but you seem to have some rapport with this club. Try to bring out the madness, the frustration that a league like this would cause a management team.
And b) your mini-rant on the possible interleague play. As I noted in the edits, I'm not sure you fully explained your stance. But that, that part, is what one part of good column writing is. "They're doing this, it's good/bad, and here's why." Again, I was unconvinced, but that's partly because you didn't give it enough space. Maybe it's something you can revisit, and really explain why you don't like it.

- As a column it's a bit quote-heavy. I pointed out a couple of the clichés, but really, a lot of those quotes would be better delivered if you just used your own words. (Like some of the Richardson stuff, which is just exposition.)

- Finally, finish strong. Come back to something you referenced earlier if you can, but if you can't, just add a touch of color or a turn of phrase to remind the reader that you're not just some cub reporter, you're a columnist, dammit. Here, a joke about the trip to Mexico, possible expansion/contraction, or giving the spotlight back to Stacy Johnson-Klein (whom, by the way, I am totally unaware of) would be appropriate. Just don't ask Richardson about his legal team.

I hope this helps. Feel free to stick your neck out anytime.

- verbal

 

[Stone Cane]

http://www.sportsjournalists.com/forum/threads/58078/

 

[Precious Roy]

Thanks guys, this helps me tons.