Neighbor problem

[Inky_Wretch]

Thanks for the advice y'all. I appreciate it all.

 

[Vombatus]

As I was reading your original post, I thought the problem was going to be outrageous high school parties next door.

Story turned out quite differently - but be thankful you're not dealing with a whole mass of HS shirtheads, noise and in your yard.

 

[dixiehack]

I agree that reaching out to the oldest child is a solid move.

My spidey sense began tingling when you mentioned the part about the dad selling the house to finance land for his new love interest. It's possible the mom left everything to the dad, but it's more likely that she expected him to be a conservator for the minor child's share. And a dad that is showing no interest in parenting his grief-stricken son probably isn't showing interest in responsible stewardship either.

I get not wanting to send the kid to foster system heck, but I can't help but think time is of the essence to preserve his rightful inheritance. Surely the court system would give a ton of deference to a 17-year-old as to where he wants to live out his senior year. If you have room and a desire to step in, I think you'd be a tremendous blessing to him.

 

[Inky_Wretch]

I agree that reaching out to the oldest child is a solid move.

My spidey sense began tingling when you mentioned the part about the dad selling the house to finance land for his new love interest. It's possible the mom left everything to the dad, but it's more likely that she expected him to be a conservator for the minor child's share. And a dad that is showing no interest in parenting his grief-stricken son probably isn't showing interest in responsible stewardship either.

I get not wanting to send the kid to foster system he'll, but I can't help but think time is of the essence to preserve his rightful inheritance. Surely the court system would give a ton of deference to a 17-year-old as to where he wants to live out his senior year. If you have room and a desire to step in, I think you'd be a tremendous blessing to him.

The mom was very smart in that regard. The dad is horrible with money. He makes north of $150k per year but he spends it as fast as he gets it. The mom ran the books and had him on an allowance. When she passed, the bulk of her insurance money went to the kids via a conservator.

The dad went to the conservator about six months ago and asked for money to help with the "kids' bills." The conservator did some digging, found out he'd bought a $18,000 Jeep for his GF's daughter and denied any future requests without expense receipts.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Maybe reporting the dad isn't the worst thing.

Depending on how close to 18 the kid is, it might be best to get the ball rolling on emancipation as soon as possible.

 

[outofplace]

The mom was very smart in that regard. The dad is horrible with money. He makes north of $150k per year but he spends it as fast as he gets it. The mom ran the books and had him on an allowance. When she passed, the bulk of her insurance money went to the kids via a conservator.

The dad went to the conservator about six months ago and asked for money to help with the "kids' bills." The conservator did some digging, found out he'd bought a $18,000 Jeep for his GF's daughter and denied any future requests without expense receipts.

I was on the side of those saying you should just keep doing what you are doing until I read this. Now I think MC might be right. The father tried to take money from his own children to cover his own expenses and those of his new family. That's just despicable and I am certain it won't stop. I can't imagine he will be able to protect his interests without help.

I also agree with those suggesting you reach out to the oldest sibling. Just because he's far away doesn't mean he doesn't care about his younger brother.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I agree with the others about not reporting the dad to the authorities. That can only make things worse. I also agree that fixing him a meal or two with plenty of leftovers is also a huge help, as well as being there for him as a positive influence.

I would also suggest trying to help the young man find a grief counselor and other mental health professionals to talk to because he's going through a lot of shirt right now.

 

[Slacker]

I also agree with those suggesting you reach out to the oldest sibling. Just because he's far away doesn't mean he doesn't care about his younger brother.

"He" is a she.

 

[playthrough]

You're a very good bloke and that family is fortunate to have you as a caring neighbor.

 

[CD Boogie]

I need advice about a problem with my next-door neighbor. I'll try to make it brief.

In Nov. 2021, my next-door neighbor's wife died. She'd dealt with numerous brain tumors over 18 years (the same kind that ice skater Scott Hamilton has). She was a rock for family, church and our community. She left behind her husband, two daughters and a son. The oldest is now a third-grade teacher about 200 miles from here, the middle daughter is a college student in Boston and the son is a senior in high school.

About six months after his wife's death, the husband started dating this woman. Probably sooner than I thought was appropriate, but whatever.

The problem is that earlier this year, the father moved in with his girlfriend. Not officially. But he went from spending one or two nights per week to spending every night at her place. He comes by his house once or twice per week - but never to spend the night. (The GF won't spend the night at the house because she doesn't want to leave her 15yo daughter alone.) So his 17-year-old son is living by himself. His dad Venmos money to him for groceries and still pays the house bills.

I don't know what to do. I've chewed the dad's ass about abandoning his son. I check on the kid every day. I am trying to fill in as best I can. But I feel like I need to be doing something more.

I don't want to involve the authorities - though a big part of me thinks a parent abandoning a minor should be reported. Is it just a matter of doing what I can, when I can, for the kid? And how do I balance trying to spend enough time with my 15yo and wife and the next-door-neighbor?

TL;DR - My next-door neighbor has abandoned his 17yo son. What do I do?

Reminds me of my grandparents and what they did to my father. My father was a "surprise," born in 1937 to a woman who was born in 1894, so she was 43, which was ancient back then for a first child. By that point, my grandparents were very settled in their ways. My grandfather was a builder and rather successful and he and my grandmother would winter in Florida -- and that wasn't gonna change just bc a kid was born. So my father, who was an only child, would spend half the school year in Connecticut, the other half in Florida. And when he was at home in Florida, his parents often went to the track and just left him at home.

In high school, he could no longer split time that way, I guess, so my grandparents left him alone in Connecticut during the winter for four years and he somehow got himself to Fairfield Prep every day and gained admission to Georgetown. How the heck they got away with this I don't know. It definitely affected my father who was very much a loner, self reliant, but also huge on family and hated it when any of his kids weren't around for any family occasions. Like when my niece was born in 1996, they couldn't track me down for a few hours and when I touched base he went ballistic on me, which left a lasting impression.

My grandfather died before I was born but my father and my mother both spoke highly of him. My grandmother was a different story. Tough old broad lived to be 92 and she and my father fought all the time.

Maybe it's for the best this shirthead father you describe isn't around. Maybe after what he endured with his wife and her illnesses he feels entitled to his happiness, whatever the cost. If so, then to heck with him and maybe the kid is better off.

Tough situation, commendable what you're doing.

 

[dixiehack]

My hope is that the sisters will be there as much as possible for his senior year milestones, especially graduation. But you and your fellow churchgoers need to be ready to step in if needed for those moments so the kid isn't alone for what should be happy moments. And he very well may not volunteer they are coming up so it would help to have an in with the school system. Any idea when his birthday is?

 

[OscarMadison]

I would also suggest trying to help the young man find a grief counselor and other mental health professionals to talk to because he's going through a lot of shirt right now.

This! A good bereavement counselor could make a big difference.

He also needs someone with legal teeth to have his back. Would it be possible for him to get a court-appointed GAL? It can vary from state to state as to whether he would need to be in state's custody for this to happen. In Tennessee, some of these appointments have been made possible by Catholic Charities and One Church One Child. Mileages vary. My stand on this is foster care should be a last resort.

The conservator did some digging, found out he'd bought a $18,000 Jeep for his GF's daughter and denied any future requests without expense receipts.

Don't blame the GF, she's doing what is best for her daughter.

Girlfriend can take several seats. I've seen her type when bad stuff like this goes down. Pretty, Pretty Princess' hort jus' HURTS for that boy, but his Dayaddeh is a MAYUN with NEEDS and she needs care and upkeep, too, as do her drooling offspring. She'll nod wisely and say she knows what the boy needs cuz she's a Momma! It will not come at the expense of her or her crotchfruit.

Me as the CASA during one of these hearings: Ego has suffered bifurcated loss and is in emotional and circumstantial free-fall...

Overly Madeup Chew-Toy: Um...

Me: Do I need to use shorter words?

Court Referee: Oscar...

Me: Would you be okay with your daughter facing similar circumstances?

Girlfriend: (preening) Oh. That would NEVER happen to her!

Summation: Dad and his Humpsack are both pieces of shirt.

Now I need to go calm down and remind myself that I do not do this anymore. No wonder I am a bitter never-married and a third of my heart used to pump blood through a ruminant.

Moo.