With Co-Workers like this: Skip the Retirement party!

[playthrough]

Stories like the one that started this thread are one of the reasons why I want my retirement to be a low-key event in the newsroom when the time comes (and with any luck it'll be in two years or so). No gathering, no food, no cake. If you sincerely want to wish me luck, do so one on one. Or join me for lunch or a drink -- and I'll do the buying.

Our last newsroom departure involved someone who was not especially well-liked, and I could have sworn I heard someone on the fringes of the assembled group humming, "Ding-dong, the witch is dead."

I once worked in a bureau that had zero camaraderie, people barely even talked to each other. So when I moved on to another job and got the standard going-away party with cake, there were actually two cakes -- because there was no communication over whose turn it was to get it. But on the bright side, there could have been zero cakes.

 

[Joe Williams]

I recall a retirement party -- or maybe it was a new-job-so-he's-leaving party -- for a reporter where I worked, held at the corner tavern where many of the newsroom employees would congregate after their shifts. The place had a downstairs party room, and when one jackass reporter disliked by many showed up, it was only a few minutes before another -- a great friend of the guest of honor -- threw the guy out, literally by the old method of grabbing the guy's collar with one hand and the back of his britches with the other, walking him briskly up the stairs and shoving him through the front door out to the sidewalk.

Highlight of the night and, so many years later, the only real memory of the gathering.

 

[Danwriter]

But did it burn when he did that?

Which? The cake or the urethra?

 

[Jake from State Farm]

When I took my buyout I was told to keep it quiet until the paper made the announcement
They never did
People found out when the new schedule came out and my name wasn't on it
God bless them, I still got a goodbye page, some gifts and a makeshift party after my last shift three days later

 

[Baron Scicluna]

Heard of a Gannett publisher who was "resigned" and given a going-away party in the newsroom anyway.

They wheeled out a cake for him, and without a word, he whipped out his deck and pissed directly on the cake, in front of everyone, then zipped up and walked out.

Urine 2000

 

[Matt1735]

Or the lady at my current job who is organizing her own going away party... when most of us are working....

 

[Sports Barf]

Heard of a Gannett publisher who was "resigned" and given a going-away party in the newsroom anyway.

They wheeled out a cake for him, and without a word, he whipped out his deck and pissed directly on the cake, in front of everyone, then zipped up and walked out.

Had that happen at my shop too

 

[Fredrick]

Great thread. Funny stories. ... I'd like to request to the suits, kill these parties. If the environment in newspapers were better, fine. But the employees all know how badly they've been treated with the no raises policy, the low grades policy, the intimidation. There's no reason to pretend things are great when somebody retires. Just let the person walk out for gosh sakes.

 

[WriteThinking]

Wow is right with regard to the original post about the retirement party. I don't think you can properly call that a roast, which is supposed to have elements of humor, comedy and laughter to it.

Wow is also right with regard to the Gannett publisher supposedly pissing on his cake. But I'm with some others in thinking/saying that you have got to be kidding about that...

 

[Batman]

Our publisher/GM/managing editor (it's a small shop) left a few weeks ago, and they had a local BBQ joint bring in lunch. The leftovers fed me free lunch for a week. So I don't mind the going-away parties, as long they're done right.

 

[Monday Morning Sportswriter]

I once worked at an Ogden paper whose publisher finally said "enough" and retired after 25 years with the company.

The business manager was told they could order pizza but there would be no party. He said "screw it," and threw a party anyway, with the venue, caterer and other businesses conspiring on billing shenanigans to fund a really nice sendoff on the company's dime.

 

[Bronco77]

A veteran copy editor I worked with in Fort Lauderdale found an interesting way to avoid a retirement party. His specialty was editing national/international wire copy, which he was pretty good at. But he'd never pitch in during busy stretches and help edit local or business copy, and many co-workers questioned his work ethic. After the paper started downsizing, the AME in charge of the desk called the copy editor into his office and told him he'd need to expand his workload. He walked back to his desk and bitched through the rest of the shift. Next day, he didn't show up. The AME called him at home and got this response: "As of today, I'm retired. Goodbye." He hung up and never came back.