HELP! I'm struggling with an important decision

[micropolitan guy]

2.) It's home. It's close to family – her parents are nearby, and older and declining faster than mine, so being there for them would be awesome.

One thing to consider, does she also have other siblings nearby who can help with elder care? My brother and SIL spent about 10 years caring for her parents as they aged and slipped into dementia. No other family nearby to help. Not to sound unempathetic, but it did become quite a burden for them.

Something to consider.

 

[three_bags_full]

Would the move be happening right after retirement or is there some thought of wife and kids going ahead a few months early to settle in? Even Podunk High is unlikely to offer meaningful playing time to a kid who drifts into town over Labor Day.

Yeah, this will be a July move for them, and a 1 SEP I head south, kinda deal.

 

[three_bags_full]

2.) It's home. It's close to family – her parents are nearby, and older and declining faster than mine, so being there for them would be awesome.

One thing to consider, does she also have other siblings nearby who can help with elder care? My brother and SIL spent about 10 years caring for her parents as they aged and slipped into dementia. No other family nearby to help. Not to sound unempathetic, but it did become quite a burden for them.

Something to consider.

She does not. She is an only child. I'm the third of six. One brother is close and helpful, and one sister and BIL are close and helpful. The rest don't really come around too much. I'm the first to graduate high school -- much less attempt college -- so when things happen, naturally they look at me to take the lead. It's fine, but it can be a bear, too.

 

[three_bags_full]

I'm in my seventh decade now (yikes!!) and my advice is ….happiness is most important; that of you, your wife and your kids.

I understand financial security, and I've been blessed but IMHO that security doesn't mean squat if you or the others are unhappy.

I feel for your son. Moving at junior year is rough, your friends and life are all gone. He's got to start all over again. Some kids can do it, no doubt but that's tough , especially if he likes in in NOVA now.

Buy and move later is not a bad middle ground.

At 48, you're gonna still be quite young, IMHO still having some challenging work is going to be key to a long life and happiness.

Good luck!

They're used to moving. They've basically moved every two years since 2014.

Edit: That does not make moves easier for them, I readily admit.

 

[Driftwood]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

 

[Dog8Cats]

I would not even consider such a drastic geographic move based on your son's age.

Yes, a lot of adolescents can handle such a move and even thrive in a new environment. Then there's the 30-ish-year-old son of one of my cousins, who blames his parents for ruining his life when they made a three-hour move south from one pretty livable place to a great place ... when he was about 12.

 

[FileNotFound]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

As somebody who did all of these things except the "returning home" part, I've thought about this often when I occasionally consider returning home. Put simply, it's complex.

 

[YMCA B-Baller]

I would not even consider such a drastic geographic move based on your son's age.

Yes, a lot of adolescents can handle such a move and even thrive in a new environment. Then there's the 30-ish-year-old son of one of my cousins, who blames his parents for ruining his life when they made a three-hour move south from one pretty livable place to a great place ... when he was about 12.

You're painting with a broad brush. It's hard, but it's not insurmountable. Kids move around all the time. I did.

I moved four times from the time I was in 3rd grade to entrance into college. One of those moves was "back home" because my Mom was terminally ill, but the difference from skipping fourth to sixth grade is a big deal at that age, so it felt new.

Anyway, the first move was pretty seamless to 3rd grade me. The second move was when my Mom was sick. Cool to go home, but obviously with bittersweet consequences and ramifications upon the return.

The third move was during my freshman year of high school. It was not easy at all. It took me forever to make friends. To this day, I don't feel a part of my HS community. The death of my Mom had already messed me up anyway, but in a strange way, it steeled me to the move too because of what I had already gone through. Hard to know whether the death of my Mom or the move itself was what was really upsetting. I did miss my friends in my home city, but honestly? Between my Mom's death, my reaction to it, and some of the dopes I was hanging out with as I entered HS, moving might not have been bad in hindsight.

The fourth move was right after I graduated. Talk about a clean break ... not only out of the house, but out of the home and away from the tight-knit friend group I did (and still) ashociate with from HS. It sucked during summers, but you're making a life break at that age anyway. Certainly probably made me feel more responsible at college.

That was my experience, but it's not everyone's. My sister seemed to do perfectly fine with each move. My brother had more issues. I would never think to blame my Dad for moving us around. He did it partly to put himself in a better financial position to help us without our Mom. And even if I did blame him, I think it's a bit pathetic to blame parents for life happenings, especially as you get older and wiser.

As an adult, I moved a year ago to start a new job in a place I'd be perfectly content with retiring in if it came to that ... from a place that was good to us, but that I had zero desire to retire in. I made this move after my kids both graduated from high school, which I am happy about, since they got the opposite experience I did, but believe me, if push came to shove and timing didn't align the way it did? I'd have moved my kids if I had to. It nearly happened a year prior to this move and a few years prior to that as well.

You live in your own skin. You have to be happy within it and not compromise for everyone else, unless, that *is* what makes you happy in your own skin.

 

[BYH 2: Electric Boogaloo]

Here's an interesting question for no one in particular but inspired by this thread. I can't answer this:

A person is born and raised in a small town/rural area. They graduate high school and move away for 25-30 years. They live in bigger areas, travel, see things, actually do stuff, etc. They decide to "go back home."
What do they expect?
Do they still consider themselves "from there" even though they have lived more of their life away from it?
Do they think time stood still while they were gone?
Do they expect to be welcomed back like a conquering hero?
Do they think it will be like a Hallmark movie?
Do they expect to be a fish out of water?
Do they expect to be seen as an outsider?
Do they expect anyone they knew as a child to know or care who they are?
Why would they care if anyone they knew as a child knew or cared who they were?

I think it's an interesting conversation to have.

Pfft I don't have to think about this. Being 25-30 years out of high school? What kind of old people... *does the math, realizes 2024 minus 1991 is 33* goddamnit again.

A move back to the hometown can't entirely be ruled out. But I still firmly consider myself "from there" even after living longer away from there than there (I didn't move away for good until after college, but either way, I've spent more time away from there than there). I was there from birth until after college. It's impossible to think of it as anything other than "from there."

I don't think time stood still--all it takes is one drive around town and seeing all the empty Mom & Pop storefronts of my youth and the downtown that goes from a little quaint and cool to Crackton within the span of one block--and there aren't enough people I really know still there to expect a hero's welcome (not that I would anyway). Most of my teachers have retired (and some are no longer with us). Everyone from my circle of close friends has moved out of state except two, and the only one within a 10-minute drive of my Dad's house is mostly homebound b/c of immune system issues.

I wouldn't be the hometown boy made good returning home, I wouldn't be an outsider. I'd just be there, going about my business for very modern reasons: To be closer to my Dad, for a lower cost of living (I have a casual friend whose 30-something son is a divorced Dad of three, works at one of the local drug stores and owns a house) & because we believe the high school (in the midst of a dramatic rebuild that will make it unrecognizable from the one I attended) and the town will be good for our daughter. The last one, frankly, is the biggest coin flip of all. It's a red town and I'd need to make sure we don't have to worry our daughter would be reading Moms of Liberty-approved textbooks anytime the remainder of the decade.

 

[MisterCreosote]

Every time I go home, I realize I'm practically the only one who left. That's bad in some ways but good in a lot of others. I often find myself missing that sense of community, which just doesn't exist where I live now. It's just too transient here.

But I also often talk about how I don't ever want to raise my kids where I grew up. While it's home to me, there's a lot of bullship I was exposed to, unrepentant racism being the major one, that I'm incredibly thankful my kids don't have to deal with on a daily basis like I did.

 

[outofplace]

You're painting with a broad brush. It's hard, but it's not insurmountable. Kids move around all the time. I did.

I moved four times from the time I was in 3rd grade to entrance into college. One of those moves was "back home" because my Mom was terminally ill, but the difference from skipping fourth to sixth grade is a big deal at that age, so it felt new.

Anyway, the first move was pretty seamless to 3rd grade me. The second move was when my Mom was sick. Cool to go home, but obviously with bittersweet consequences and ramifications upon the return.

The third move was during my freshman year of high school. It was not easy at all. It took me forever to make friends. To this day, I don't feel a part of my HS community. The death of my Mom had already messed me up anyway, but in a strange way, it steeled me to the move too because of what I had already gone through. Hard to know whether the death of my Mom or the move itself was what was really upsetting. I did miss my friends in my home city, but honestly? Between my Mom's death, my reaction to it, and some of the dopes I was hanging out with as I entered HS, moving might not have been bad in hindsight.

The fourth move was right after I graduated. Talk about a clean break ... not only out of the house, but out of the home and away from the tight-knit friend group I did (and still) ashociate with from HS. It sucked during summers, but you're making a life break at that age anyway. Certainly probably made me feel more responsible at college.

That was my experience, but it's not everyone's. My sister seemed to do perfectly fine with each move. My brother had more issues. I would never think to blame my Dad for moving us around. He did it partly to put himself in a better financial position to help us without our Mom. And even if I did blame him, I think it's a bit pathetic to blame parents for life happenings, especially as you get older and wiser.

As an adult, I moved a year ago to start a new job in a place I'd be perfectly content with retiring in if it came to that ... from a place that was good to us, but that I had zero desire to retire in. I made this move after my kids both graduated from high school, which I am happy about, since they got the opposite experience I did, but believe me, if push came to shove and timing didn't align the way it did? I'd have moved my kids if I had to. It nearly happened a year prior to this move and a few years prior to that as well.

You live in your own skin. You have to be happy within it and not compromise for everyone else, unless, that *is* what makes you happy in your own skin.

I moved more than you did. I agree that it's not insurmountable, but it is an additional challenge at a time when a teenager is already dealing with the pressures of school, their social life, college applications. It is a lot better for kid entering their junior year of high school if the family can avoid moving for a couple of years.

I changed school districts four times by my freshman year of high school due to my family moving. Three times, those moves were from one state to another. That was all brutal for my brother academically and for me socially. I would have had to switch high schools for my senior year, too, if my mother hadn't lied to the school district. When my parents got divorced, she moved and I went with her. Our new place was just over the line into the neighboring school district. She got a post office box to avoid the district finding out about our move. My guidance counselor figured it out, but decided to help her. I didn't even realize she did all that until after I graduated. As y'all can probably imagine, I'm advising he at least put off the move until h is youngest is done with high school.

 

[swingline]

As for hometowns, I'm "from" there, not "of" there.