How does your family handle death?

[Spartan Squad]

On the other end of the spectrum (sorry to post pad), when my FIL's side of the family dies, the town is so small and so remote and so poor, you might do something at a church but mostly you gather at the gravesite because the family has to dig the grave.

 

[MileHigh]

When my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew died in the plane crash, it became an all-hands-on-deck for our family just because of the sheer shock of it. We had so much to sort through in the aftermath. My brother-in-law's business. Letting the school know to have counselors on-site when kids returned on Monday. The frantic search to find the safety deposit box key to get to the wills (the key was in my sister's purse on the plane). Trying to figure out a proper service since they were well known in the community through the business and my sister's involvement with the school.

The funeral home we went with found us a non-denominational person who was outstanding. He talked with me and my brothers about them as well my brother-in-law's dad and got a sense of who and what they were. Because of the enormity of the crash, the remains we had cremated and divided up for three plots. We did a graveside with just the immediate family in Fort Collins, then had an open service of about 900 people at a really nice church in Fort Collins that afternoon, two weeks after the crash. My brother-in-law put together a 30-minute video of several hundred photos of them that played beforehand, the non-denominational person hit all the right notes, then whoever from the family wanted to speak could. Myself, my sister, my dad, my brother-in-law's dad, sister and brother. Tense and emotional, but my brother-in-law's brother relived some funny moments they shared that broke that up.

We had no idea how it would go, but we feel we honored them the right way.

Six months later, there was a service in my brother-in-law's hometown in upstate New York where his sister lived where part of their remains were buried. My mom and dad attended that. And 10 months later, on what would have been their 20th anniversary, our side of the family had their remains put into a plot where my parents will be buried in a hilltop cemetery in southwest Colorado.

We had no road map. And I certainly don't want to go down that again. I think it just varies by families and respect for how they want to honor their loved ones in the best way they can.

 

[playthrough]

My mother-in-law died suddenly less than a year after my wife and I got married. The most common ritual I've been around is the viewing-day-then-funeral-day, and the viewing had a very long line of hearty old Midwestern folks winding through the funeral home. You wait your turn, however long it takes. But my mother (East Coast Jewish, not hearty Midwestern folk) showed up and barged ahead of a lot of people to get to my wife, which the wife took great offense to and I still hear about, 20-plus years later.

 

[DanOregon]

One of the "best" things about COVID was it made people realize you could hold services at a later date. While I know some religious customs require funerals within days - I think having a service at a later time, within weeks or months is fine - and usually results in a better service. The family doesn't feel rushed to organize something and buying an expensive casket or whatever while they are still grieving and dealing with the loss. They can take time to organize a fitting tribute and people have time to attend and not get jammed up. Yes, I know airlines have "bereavement fares" but time is a great healer.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I remember writing obits and services fell into a couple of categories: funeral with church service followed by graveside service, church service with full Catholic ceremonies (rosary, viewing, mash, graveside) and celebration of life usually at a place where everyone could drink.

When I've gone to Mexican funerals, it's usually in a church or chapel. People carry pictures of the deceased. Usually someone's tia is wailing a little too loudly. When I went to my student's funeral, people had shirts made with her picture and some message about her resting in peace. White funerals were more traditional and composed (not that expressing loud emotions are wrong, just how I've seen them).

It also depends how well families are getting along when someone dies. My wife's grandpa died not that long ago (two years ago, maybe). We never did anything for him with my wife's side of the family. After her grandma pashed, MIL and her siblings could not be in the same room. They did the funeral niceties, but nothing after that. So when grandpa died, MIL had him cremated and brought the ashes to Tahoe. She told the family where a commemorative bench is and said they could visit when they wanted, but she did her own service. I feel bad it happened that way. My wife and I love that side of the family, but her mom has real and perceived slights that will not be mended.

That was one weird funeral, I have another.

My student's funeral I feel like the parents were in such shock, they didn't know what to do so they did everything. Viewing, people eulogizing, even a native blessing. Of course the dad and his friends were about to start a full rumble with some others outside the chapel until the girl's mom and aunts came out to tell dad they were about to close the casket.

On the bright side, everyone is only 15 minutes away from visiting your grandpa.

Sorry, couldn't resist. I will now take my place in the lake of fire.

 

[outofplace]

One of the "best" things about COVID was it made people realize you could hold services at a later date. While I know some religious customs require funerals within days - I think having a service at a later time, within weeks or months is fine - and usually results in a better service. The family doesn't feel rushed to organize something and buying an expensive casket or whatever while they are still grieving and dealing with the loss. They can take time to organize a fitting tribute and people have time to attend and not get jammed up. Yes, I know airlines have "bereavement fares" but time is a great healer.

That is one reason I like the Jewish tradition of a ceremony unveiling the ceremony a year later. People have had time to heal. Some who couldn't make the funeral can attend. My mother's was complicated, in part because of family bullship and in part because my brother died a week earlier. Despite all that, it was the unveiling that felt like the real farewell. I mostly held it together at the funeral. Giving the eulogy helped. I was able to focus on what I was going to say instead of how I was feeling. That and all of the other mess were probably why I completely lost it as we were leaving after the unveiling.

 

[outofplace]

On the bright side, everyone is only 15 minutes away from visiting your grandpa.

Sorry, couldn't resist. I will now take my place in the lake of fire.

If you can't tell a joke on a thread about death, what is this world coming to?

 

[Baron Scicluna]

That is one reason I like the Jewish tradition of a ceremony unveiling the ceremony a year later. People have had time to heal. Some who couldn't make the funeral can attend. My mother's was complicated, in part because of family bullship and in part because my brother died a week earlier. Despite all that, it was the unveiling that felt like the real farewell. I mostly held it together at the funeral. Giving the eulogy helped. I was able to focus on what I was going to say instead of how I was feeling. That and all of the other mess were probably why I completely lost it as we were leaving after the unveiling.

Same here. My uncle died of COVID about a month into the pandemic, when everyone had no idea about the virus and was sheltering in place. For his funeral, the only people who were allowed to come was myself, my mother, my aunt, two of my three cousins, and the rabbi. We limited it to 6 people, had a brief service outdoors at the gravesite, stood more than 6 feet apart and my mother and I were wearing face shields. I couldn't help but think that our world had turned ridiculous.

A year later, at the unveiling, our whole family could attend. My oldest cousin's daughter did a violin solo. My oldest son, who couldn't attend the funeral both because we had limited the number of people and because he was in college and was one of the few kids allowed to stay on campus with the caveat that he could not leave, was finally able to say a few words and mourn. Then we all went back to my aunt's place and socialized. It made everyone feel better.

 

[OscarMadison]

If you can't tell a joke on a thread about death, what is this world coming to?

It says we're gonna be okay.

 

[Neutral Corner]

Deep South, mostly Baptist family. Generally there's a viewing before the funeral service for an hour, maybe two. Family and friends show up, pay their respects, mix and mingle, tell stories. Usually one of the family has put together a slide show of old pictures and a soundtrack that runs in the background. Then there's a funeral service in the funeral home chapel. Those who wish follow and go graveside for the interment. Sometimes there's a viewing, then the actual service is held at the graveside.

Our most recent funeral, for my wife's oldest sister, was a graveside service and largely consisted of her son, a preacher, sharing happy memories. We then went to a family member's house where there was a big food spread and ate, then dispersed.

I'm Episcopalian, so there will be more ritual. I'll likely be cremated, so a lot of that stuff is out the window. And I'll make the mix tape that plays while the family mingles, thank you very much.

 

[Driftwood]

Thanks for all the responses. It's just funny how people handle things differently. At two recent funerals on my wife's side, I am the only man, woman, or child who isn't crying. I'm hand shaking and back slapping, "Hey, you remember when ..."
Everyone is looking at me like I'm an alien. The person is gone. There is nothing you can do for them except remember them.
The memory of a loved one shouldn't bring a tear to you eye but a smile to you face.

 

[Sam Mills 51]

I think it just varies by families and respect for how they want to honor their loved ones in the best way they can.

Bingo.

What is perfect for one person or family is perfectly awful for another person or family. Or, in some cases, people with different ways of handling the process within the same family.