slappy4428
Active Member
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2004
- Messages
- 38,815
(BYH walks by with his laptop. Moddy follows as BYH starts typing furiously)
MODDY: What's going on here?
(BYH gives him a sign and goes right back to typing)
MODDY: What's this? (Begins reading sign) "FIND THE TRUE MEANING OF SPORTS JOURNALISM. WIN ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. SPECTACULAR SUPERCOLOSSAL NEIGHBORHOOD ALL-SportsJournalists.com CONTEST.
(Moddy pauses)
MODDY: ALL SportsJournalists.com CONTEST? Oh no. Our own top poster gone commercial. I can't stand it. Oh.
(Lugnuts gets Moddy's attention)
LUGNUTS: I've been looking for you, big brother. Will you please write a job letter for me?
MODDY: Well I don't have much time. I'm supposed to begin moderating a sports journalism message board.
LUGNUTS: You write it and I'll tell you what to say.
MODDY: OK, shoot.
LUGNUTS: Dear Editor: How have you been this year? Did you have a nice summer? How is your husband, wife or same-sex partner?
MODDY: Quit burying the forking lede. Get to the forking point.
LUGNUTZ: I have an extra good resume, so I have a long list of positions that I want.
MODDY: Oh brother.
LUGNUTS: Please note my salary demands and the hours that I can work and find me a job as convenient as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself. Just send money. How about fifties and hundreds?
MODDY: Fifties and hundreds? Oh! Even my baby sister…
LUGNUTS: All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.
(People at SportsJournalists.com are posting and arguing and quoting song lyrics)
IJAG: All right quiet everybody! Our moderator will be here any minute and we'll start posting.
SPORTSCHICK: Moderator? What moderator?
IJAG: Moddy
21: Oh no were doomed!
SPORTSCHICK: This will be the worst message board ever!
IJAG: Here he comes! Attention everyone! Here's our moderator!
(BYH howls his sarcastic approval until Moddy glares at him)
MODDY: Most prolific poster, my forkin' ash.
MODDY: Well, it's real good seeing y'all here. As you know, we are going to put together a sports message board. Due to the shortage of time, we'll get right down to work. One of the first things to ensure a lively board is strict attention to the moderator. I'll keep my directions simple. If I point to the right, it means the politics board is over there. If I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means cut the forkin' ship. If I make a revolving motion with my hand, it means you're all forking crazy and you're taking this place way too seriously. If I spread my hands apart, it means I quit and I'm locking this thread.
It's the spirit of the posters that counts—the interest that they show in their moderator! Am I right? I said, am I right?
(more threadjacking takes place)
MODDY: Stop the music! All right! Stop forking around! We're going to do this message board and we're going to do it right! Lucy! Get those jobs and pash them out. The script girl will be pashing out your part.
IJAG [to The Big Ragu]: You're the Anything Goes moderator.
THE BIG RAGU: The Anything Goes moderator is interested in oil and gold prices?
IJAG: Flying Headbutt, you're the Sports and News moderator.
HEADBUTT: In spite of my screen name, I shall try to run a mature board.
IJAG: Spnited, you're a grumpy forking Basket.
SPNITED: Every message board it's the same. I always end up playing a grumpy forking Basket.
IJAG: BYH, you'll have to be all the idiots in our play. Can you be a Rush Limbaugh sheep?
(BYH begins criticizing Obama)
IJAG: How about an Obama follower?
(BYH begins praising the health care reform bill)
IJAG: How about a troll?
(BYH begins posting YouTube videos of himself)
IJAG: He's even a good troll!
(BYH begins jumping around IJAG and annoying her)
IJAG: No, no, no! You've got to take directions!
(BYH begins imitating everything IJAG does)
IJAG: You've got to have discipline! You've got to have respect for your moderator!
(IJAG notices BYH mocking her)
IJAG: I oughta out you!
(BYH kisses IJAG)
IJAG: UGH!! I've been kissed by the eight-second man! I've got eight-second germs! I'll never have good sex again! Get hot water! Get me a tetanus shot! Get some prednisone!
(BYH sticks his tongue out and makes a sad noise)
MODDY: All right, all right. Script girl, continue with the job ashignments.
(IJAG goes up to Double Down and is immediately angry)
IJAG: You've got to get rid of that stupid beach towel! Here. Memorize these facts about our posters.
DOUBLE DOWN: I can't memorize these facts. This is ridiculous.
IJAG: Memorize it and be ready to recite when the birthdays arrive.
DOUBLE DOWN: I can't memorize someone's likes and dislikes so quickly. Why should I be put through the agony of posting happy birthday threads? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this!
IJAG: I'll give you five good reasons. Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock.
DOUBLE DOWN: Those are good reasons. Sports journalism is not only getting too commercial, it's getting too dangerous!
IJAG: OK Moddy, the cast is set. Take over.
MODDY: All right! Let's have it quiet. Places, everybody! YGBFKM, set the mood for the first scene.
(YGBFKM plugs in his guitar and begins playing a particularly angry Pantera song. Everyone starts fighting and threadjacking. Outofplace turns the NFL thread into something about the Steelers. Zagoshe argues about political correctness. Boom_70 starts cracking jokes about Chris Henry's death. Someone starts a thread announcing they are nuking their account. Bubbler hates Wal-Mart and Armchair_QB hates Dusty Baker. JR and Old_Tony argue. Chris_L asks someone to show him her tits. YGBFKM posts about how none of this is a fruitful endeavor)
IJAG: Lunch break! Lunch break!
MODDY (sounding incredulous): Lunch break?
(BYH is holding a tray and flipping it over in his hands)
MODDY: All right now. Good forking grief. There's no time for this forking foolishness. We've got to get on with our message board. Let's take it from the top again. Places…action!
(YGBFKM again plugs in his guitar and again begins playing a particularly angry Pantera song. More fighting and thread-jacking commences. Simon Cowbell and BYH argue over baseball and salary caps. Spnited says he hates football and your fantasy team. Poindexter posts about a slutty teacher having sex with a student. The Tiger Woods thread continues to spiral out of control. Zeke says he hates Don Henley and professes his love for Joe Mauer. IJAG professes her love for Alyssa Milano. Dooley Womack makes a brief post. YGBFKM writes how he'd like to kill Lovie Smith.)
MODDY: That does it! If we've ever to get this message board off the ground, we've got to have some cooperation!
IJAG: What's the matter Moddy? Don't you think it's great?
MODDY: It's all wrong.
IJAG: Look Moddy. Let's face it. We all know that sports journalism is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big Connecticut syndicate, you know.
MODDY: Well, this is one message board that's not going to be commercial.
IJAG: Look, Moddy, what do you want?
MODDY: What our message board needs is the proper technology.
IJAG: Hey, perhaps a server! A great, big, shiny, aluminum server! That's it! Moddy, you get the server, I'll handle this crowd.
MODDY: I'll take Double Down with me. The rest of you, stop acting like forking jackashes.
IJAG: Get the biggest aluminum server you can find, Moddy! Maybe paint it pink!
SPORTSCHICK: Yeah! Do something right for a change, Moddy.
(MORE)
MODDY: What's going on here?
(BYH gives him a sign and goes right back to typing)
MODDY: What's this? (Begins reading sign) "FIND THE TRUE MEANING OF SPORTS JOURNALISM. WIN ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY. SPECTACULAR SUPERCOLOSSAL NEIGHBORHOOD ALL-SportsJournalists.com CONTEST.
(Moddy pauses)
MODDY: ALL SportsJournalists.com CONTEST? Oh no. Our own top poster gone commercial. I can't stand it. Oh.
(Lugnuts gets Moddy's attention)
LUGNUTS: I've been looking for you, big brother. Will you please write a job letter for me?
MODDY: Well I don't have much time. I'm supposed to begin moderating a sports journalism message board.
LUGNUTS: You write it and I'll tell you what to say.
MODDY: OK, shoot.
LUGNUTS: Dear Editor: How have you been this year? Did you have a nice summer? How is your husband, wife or same-sex partner?
MODDY: Quit burying the forking lede. Get to the forking point.
LUGNUTZ: I have an extra good resume, so I have a long list of positions that I want.
MODDY: Oh brother.
LUGNUTS: Please note my salary demands and the hours that I can work and find me a job as convenient as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself. Just send money. How about fifties and hundreds?
MODDY: Fifties and hundreds? Oh! Even my baby sister…
LUGNUTS: All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.
(People at SportsJournalists.com are posting and arguing and quoting song lyrics)
IJAG: All right quiet everybody! Our moderator will be here any minute and we'll start posting.
SPORTSCHICK: Moderator? What moderator?
IJAG: Moddy
21: Oh no were doomed!
SPORTSCHICK: This will be the worst message board ever!
IJAG: Here he comes! Attention everyone! Here's our moderator!
(BYH howls his sarcastic approval until Moddy glares at him)
MODDY: Most prolific poster, my forkin' ash.
MODDY: Well, it's real good seeing y'all here. As you know, we are going to put together a sports message board. Due to the shortage of time, we'll get right down to work. One of the first things to ensure a lively board is strict attention to the moderator. I'll keep my directions simple. If I point to the right, it means the politics board is over there. If I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means cut the forkin' ship. If I make a revolving motion with my hand, it means you're all forking crazy and you're taking this place way too seriously. If I spread my hands apart, it means I quit and I'm locking this thread.
It's the spirit of the posters that counts—the interest that they show in their moderator! Am I right? I said, am I right?
(more threadjacking takes place)
MODDY: Stop the music! All right! Stop forking around! We're going to do this message board and we're going to do it right! Lucy! Get those jobs and pash them out. The script girl will be pashing out your part.
IJAG [to The Big Ragu]: You're the Anything Goes moderator.
THE BIG RAGU: The Anything Goes moderator is interested in oil and gold prices?
IJAG: Flying Headbutt, you're the Sports and News moderator.
HEADBUTT: In spite of my screen name, I shall try to run a mature board.
IJAG: Spnited, you're a grumpy forking Basket.
SPNITED: Every message board it's the same. I always end up playing a grumpy forking Basket.
IJAG: BYH, you'll have to be all the idiots in our play. Can you be a Rush Limbaugh sheep?
(BYH begins criticizing Obama)
IJAG: How about an Obama follower?
(BYH begins praising the health care reform bill)
IJAG: How about a troll?
(BYH begins posting YouTube videos of himself)
IJAG: He's even a good troll!
(BYH begins jumping around IJAG and annoying her)
IJAG: No, no, no! You've got to take directions!
(BYH begins imitating everything IJAG does)
IJAG: You've got to have discipline! You've got to have respect for your moderator!
(IJAG notices BYH mocking her)
IJAG: I oughta out you!
(BYH kisses IJAG)
IJAG: UGH!! I've been kissed by the eight-second man! I've got eight-second germs! I'll never have good sex again! Get hot water! Get me a tetanus shot! Get some prednisone!
(BYH sticks his tongue out and makes a sad noise)
MODDY: All right, all right. Script girl, continue with the job ashignments.
(IJAG goes up to Double Down and is immediately angry)
IJAG: You've got to get rid of that stupid beach towel! Here. Memorize these facts about our posters.
DOUBLE DOWN: I can't memorize these facts. This is ridiculous.
IJAG: Memorize it and be ready to recite when the birthdays arrive.
DOUBLE DOWN: I can't memorize someone's likes and dislikes so quickly. Why should I be put through the agony of posting happy birthday threads? Give me one good reason why I should memorize this!
IJAG: I'll give you five good reasons. Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock, Jason Whitlock.
DOUBLE DOWN: Those are good reasons. Sports journalism is not only getting too commercial, it's getting too dangerous!
IJAG: OK Moddy, the cast is set. Take over.
MODDY: All right! Let's have it quiet. Places, everybody! YGBFKM, set the mood for the first scene.
(YGBFKM plugs in his guitar and begins playing a particularly angry Pantera song. Everyone starts fighting and threadjacking. Outofplace turns the NFL thread into something about the Steelers. Zagoshe argues about political correctness. Boom_70 starts cracking jokes about Chris Henry's death. Someone starts a thread announcing they are nuking their account. Bubbler hates Wal-Mart and Armchair_QB hates Dusty Baker. JR and Old_Tony argue. Chris_L asks someone to show him her tits. YGBFKM posts about how none of this is a fruitful endeavor)
IJAG: Lunch break! Lunch break!
MODDY (sounding incredulous): Lunch break?
(BYH is holding a tray and flipping it over in his hands)
MODDY: All right now. Good forking grief. There's no time for this forking foolishness. We've got to get on with our message board. Let's take it from the top again. Places…action!
(YGBFKM again plugs in his guitar and again begins playing a particularly angry Pantera song. More fighting and thread-jacking commences. Simon Cowbell and BYH argue over baseball and salary caps. Spnited says he hates football and your fantasy team. Poindexter posts about a slutty teacher having sex with a student. The Tiger Woods thread continues to spiral out of control. Zeke says he hates Don Henley and professes his love for Joe Mauer. IJAG professes her love for Alyssa Milano. Dooley Womack makes a brief post. YGBFKM writes how he'd like to kill Lovie Smith.)
MODDY: That does it! If we've ever to get this message board off the ground, we've got to have some cooperation!
IJAG: What's the matter Moddy? Don't you think it's great?
MODDY: It's all wrong.
IJAG: Look Moddy. Let's face it. We all know that sports journalism is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big Connecticut syndicate, you know.
MODDY: Well, this is one message board that's not going to be commercial.
IJAG: Look, Moddy, what do you want?
MODDY: What our message board needs is the proper technology.
IJAG: Hey, perhaps a server! A great, big, shiny, aluminum server! That's it! Moddy, you get the server, I'll handle this crowd.
MODDY: I'll take Double Down with me. The rest of you, stop acting like forking jackashes.
IJAG: Get the biggest aluminum server you can find, Moddy! Maybe paint it pink!
SPORTSCHICK: Yeah! Do something right for a change, Moddy.
(MORE)