How does your family handle death?

[OscarMadison]

Condolences, @qtlaw and @outofplace.

 

[outofplace]

Sorry buddy.

Sorry for your loss as well.

 

[outofplace]

Condolences, @qtlaw and @outofplace.

Thank you. The service is in four hours. I was supposed to be going up with my daughter for us to speak together, but now the grandkids are all going up together. I'm still speaking because my wife and daughter want me to do it. I'm supposed to be the one who won't cry. We'll see how that goes.

 

[maumann]

I'm very sorry, @outofplace and @qtlaw. My mother, due to combination of COVID and old age, forgot to take her heart medications over the last week. She slipped off the toilet in the dark Sunday morning and my father isn't strong enough to pick up a piece of Kleenex, so they eventually called my brother, Scott. Because she was complaining about a little pain in her hip, they went to ER where the PA was completely unhelpful when Scott tried to explain how mom looked dehydrated and confused. Instead, they did an X-ray and released her.

Two days later (and after a weird call from Mom talking about sleeplessness and hallucinations because she hates Paxlovid), I get a call from Scott, who's now in Boston on a business trip. Mom's been transported via ambulance back to the hospital and admitted with Afib and heart palpitations, less than 36 hours after the PA refused to even check a blood or urine sample. I call Dad, who relays the note about Mom not taking her regular pills. Oh, she's weak and not eating. But he's certain the doctor will release her now that her heart is in rhythm.

And Dad had oral surgery to remove nine teeth on Monday, but drove himself home from the dentist because Mom was sick.

I had an operation to remove a portion of my thyroid last Friday, so I'm not going anywhere. My sister, the MD, is on a cruise from New Orleans to Mexico. And brother Duane, on the other side of the mountains from me, could get down there in about 9 hours if needed. But we're holding off until we hear what's next.

Dad is certain the physician will release her today but if she don't eat, she don't go home.

They're both 89 and on that fine line between living independently and having to call 9-1-Scott everytime something goes wrong.

I think I'm about to walk the path all of you have trod already. From what I was just told, I have the power of attorney, so at some point, I may have to pull rank and send them to a living facility if they lack the mental capacity to do so on their own.

 

[outofplace]

I'm very sorry, @outofplace and @qtlaw. My mother, due to combination of COVID and old age, forgot to take her heart medications over the last week. She slipped off the toilet in the dark Sunday morning and my father isn't strong enough to pick up a piece of Kleenex, so they eventually called my brother, Scott. Because she was complaining about a little pain in her hip, they went to ER where the PA was completely unhelpful when Scott tried to explain how mom looked dehydrated and confused. Instead, they did an X-ray and released her.

Two days later (and after a weird call from Mom talking about sleeplessness and hallucinations because she hates Paxlovid), I get a call from Scott, who's now in Boston on a business trip. Mom's been transported via ambulance back to the hospital and admitted with Afib and heart palpitations, less than 36 hours after the PA refused to even check a blood or urine sample. I call Dad, who relays the note about Mom not taking her regular pills. Oh, she's weak and not eating. But he's certain the doctor will release her now that her heart is in rhythm.

And Dad had oral surgery to remove nine teeth on Monday, but drove himself home from the dentist because Mom was sick.

I had an operation to remove a portion of my thyroid last Friday, so I'm not going anywhere. My sister, the MD, is on a cruise from New Orleans to Mexico. And brother Duane, on the other side of the mountains from me, could get down there in about 9 hours if needed. But we're holding off until we hear what's next.

Dad is certain the physician will release her today but if she don't eat, she don't go home.

They're both 89 and on that fine line between living independently and having to call 9-1-Scott everytime something goes wrong.

I think I'm about to walk the path all of you have trod already. From what I was just told, I have the power of attorney, so at some point, I may have to pull rank and send them to a living facility if they lack the mental capacity to do so on their own.

Sorry you are dealing with all that. Those decisions can be heartbreaking. I remember briefly talking with my mother about stopping working or us moving her out of her apartment when she was struggling. She rarely showed much emotion, but I still remember the pain in her voice during those conversations. It was worse because we both lived far away. She died before we could do any of it.

We were going through it with my mother-in-law, who also lived alone in an apartment, but at least all of her children were within 10 or 15 minutes. Before the cancer started progressing again, we had gotten her to agree to move in with my sister-in-law. They were going to renovate their house so she would have a bedroom on the first floor. As soon as the doctor told her what was going on, she shut that all down. She accepted that the end was near long before any of us would. That was two months ago.

I'm sure you realize it helps if you and your siblings can all get on the same page and start making some decisions. Maybe bring it up as an offer or suggestion sooner rather than later to try to make it easier to get your parents to go along with any move or change. Hopefully, you have a lot more time left with them than you think. Good luck.

 

[qtlaw]

I'm very sorry, @outofplace and @qtlaw. My mother, due to combination of COVID and old age, forgot to take her heart medications over the last week. She slipped off the toilet in the dark Sunday morning and my father isn't strong enough to pick up a piece of Kleenex, so they eventually called my brother, Scott. Because she was complaining about a little pain in her hip, they went to ER where the PA was completely unhelpful when Scott tried to explain how mom looked dehydrated and confused. Instead, they did an X-ray and released her.

Two days later (and after a weird call from Mom talking about sleeplessness and hallucinations because she hates Paxlovid), I get a call from Scott, who's now in Boston on a business trip. Mom's been transported via ambulance back to the hospital and admitted with Afib and heart palpitations, less than 36 hours after the PA refused to even check a blood or urine sample. I call Dad, who relays the note about Mom not taking her regular pills. Oh, she's weak and not eating. But he's certain the doctor will release her now that her heart is in rhythm.

And Dad had oral surgery to remove nine teeth on Monday, but drove himself home from the dentist because Mom was sick.

I had an operation to remove a portion of my thyroid last Friday, so I'm not going anywhere. My sister, the MD, is on a cruise from New Orleans to Mexico. And brother Duane, on the other side of the mountains from me, could get down there in about 9 hours if needed. But we're holding off until we hear what's next.

Dad is certain the physician will release her today but if she don't eat, she don't go home.

They're both 89 and on that fine line between living independently and having to call 9-1-Scott everytime something goes wrong.

I think I'm about to walk the path all of you have trod already. From what I was just told, I have the power of attorney, so at some point, I may have to pull rank and send them to a living facility if they lack the mental capacity to do so on their own.

Hey bud bummer about your parents, mom especially. Before my dad pashed two years ago, I was the primary contact for all doctors and it's tough managing with my own family and a FT job. The bright side is I saw a lot of my mom and dad so I always reminded myself of that. Best to your parents.

 

[maumann]

Sorry you are dealing with all that. Those decisions can be heartbreaking. I remember briefly talking with my mother about stopping working or us moving her out of her apartment when she was struggling. She rarely showed much emotion, but I still remember the pain in her voice during those conversations. It was worse because we both lived far away. She died before we could do any of it.

We were going through it with my mother-in-law, who also lived alone in an apartment, but at least all of her children were within 10 or 15 minutes. Before the cancer started progressing again, we had gotten her to agree to move in with my sister-in-law. They were going to renovate their house so she would have a bedroom on the first floor. As soon as the doctor told her what was going on, she shut that all down. She accepted that the end was near long before any of us would. That was two months ago.

I'm sure you realize it helps if you and your siblings can all get on the same page and start making some decisions. Maybe bring it up as an offer or suggestion sooner rather than later to try to make it easier to get your parents to go along with any move or change. Hopefully, you have a lot more time left with them than you think. Good luck.

Yeah, we've got a separate Chat thread for the sibs where we're all trying to update each other and are in agreement. It's more trying to convince the two old people that they really have zero wriggle room if things go south in a hurry.

 

[Baron Scicluna]

I'm very sorry, @outofplace and @qtlaw. My mother, due to combination of COVID and old age, forgot to take her heart medications over the last week. She slipped off the toilet in the dark Sunday morning and my father isn't strong enough to pick up a piece of Kleenex, so they eventually called my brother, Scott. Because she was complaining about a little pain in her hip, they went to ER where the PA was completely unhelpful when Scott tried to explain how mom looked dehydrated and confused. Instead, they did an X-ray and released her.

Two days later (and after a weird call from Mom talking about sleeplessness and hallucinations because she hates Paxlovid), I get a call from Scott, who's now in Boston on a business trip. Mom's been transported via ambulance back to the hospital and admitted with Afib and heart palpitations, less than 36 hours after the PA refused to even check a blood or urine sample. I call Dad, who relays the note about Mom not taking her regular pills. Oh, she's weak and not eating. But he's certain the doctor will release her now that her heart is in rhythm.

And Dad had oral surgery to remove nine teeth on Monday, but drove himself home from the dentist because Mom was sick.

I had an operation to remove a portion of my thyroid last Friday, so I'm not going anywhere. My sister, the MD, is on a cruise from New Orleans to Mexico. And brother Duane, on the other side of the mountains from me, could get down there in about 9 hours if needed. But we're holding off until we hear what's next.

Dad is certain the physician will release her today but if she don't eat, she don't go home.

They're both 89 and on that fine line between living independently and having to call 9-1-Scott everytime something goes wrong.

I think I'm about to walk the path all of you have trod already. From what I was just told, I have the power of attorney, so at some point, I may have to pull rank and send them to a living facility if they lack the mental capacity to do so on their own.

All I can say is I'm sorry and best wishes to you all.

 

[tea and ease]

Two days later (and after a weird call from Mom talking about sleeplessness and hallucinations because she hates Paxlovid)

Dad is certain the physician will release her today but if she don't eat, she don't go home.

I want to add for all: Do not discount a UTI for any aberration that involves Maumann's experience in coherence. In my experience we often had to ask for that panel test... positive, meds given, symptoms reduced. The same experience for others I know. In the elderly, a UTI doesn't present as it does in the young. This is proven not just anecdotal. Don't be afraid to ask.

 

[Driftwood]

I want to add for all: Do not discount a UTI for any aberration that involves Maumann's experience in coherence. In my experience we often had to ask for that panel test... positive, meds given, symptoms reduced. The same experience for others I know. In the elderly, a UTI doesn't present as it does in the young. This is proven not just anecdotal. Don't be afraid to ask.

When my late father was first hospitalized, he had a UTI, and he was OUT OF HIS FREAKIN MIND. It took a few days to figure it out. The questions he was asking and the things coming out of his mouth were CRAY-ZEE. It wasn't bad stuff. It was batship stuff. Now, a couple of years down the line, it's sort of funny. At the time, I was deer in the headlights myself trying to understand what was going on. Once we understood it, and until the antibiotics kicked in, I finally caught on that it was just best that whatever he said or asked, just go with it. That helped him and kept him calm.
We're talking stuff like him looking out the hospital window, seeing a road, thinking he was at home, and asking me "You mean I've lived here my whole life and never knew there was a road there?" or carrying on a whole day's conversation with me and introducing me to the hospital staff as his brother/my uncle.

 

[Driftwood]

To lighten the mood:
One of the days my dad was out of his mind, I was on my way to the hospital to sit with him. My phone rings. It's him. I had told my mom to take his cell phone away from him.
"Where are yoouuuuu?"
"I'm on my way. I'll be there in a minute."
"Hurry. There's a gang of people working me over. Hurry. Hurry."
Talking to myself... great, he thinks the Hells Angels are beating him up.
I get into the room. He has no recollection of talking to me less than 10 minutes ago.
Come to find out, the gang "working him over" was the nurses taking his vitals.

 

[WriteThinking]

Sometimes death is both a relief and devastating at the same time. I wrote about us calling in hospice for my mother-in-law almost a month ago. A week ago, she stopped talking. She would lay there with her eyes wide open, clearly seeing nothing. It was exactly the sort of living death she didn't want. By Sunday, she couldn't swallow. Last night, the aide called my sister-in-law to tell her everyone should come now because she was dying. Before anyone could even get there, my mother-in-law was gone.

Now these aides were wonderful. Hospice recommended these two sisters who would take shifts so one was there and in the room with her at all times. My mother-in-law kept saying how grateful she was for them. We all were. But darn, she could have told my wife that her mother was gone before she walked into the bedroom. I got there about 10 minutes later. My wife told me what happened. Then came the worst of it, at least for me. I had to go let my daughter in the building about 15 minutes later. I had to tell her that her grandmother was gone. I got choked up when I called her to tell her to get over there. It takes a lot to make me cry, but holding my daughter while she lost it did it.

Everyone had already said their goodbyes, so no one seemed that upset that they didn't make it before the end came. My wife's oldest sister was weird and broken, just as she was when their father died 20 years ago. The middle sister was a rock, dealing with her grief by taking care of things. My wife was somewhere in between. I've been worried about her reaction, but she seems to be doing okay. She's upset and crying, still not believing it happened, but she's managing. I'm mostly keeping my mouth shut and offering support. Everyone keeps saying this is a relief, that watching my mother-in-law suffer had been horrible, and all of that is true. That didn't make last night any easier. It won't make this week any easier.

I may end up speaking at the service. My wife knows she won't be able to, but there are things she wants to be said. My daughter wants to write something, but she's not sure she can get through it. So the writer in the family gets elected. It somehow feels wrong for anyone but her daughters and grandchildren to speak, but I'll do whatever my wife and daughter want. That's pretty much my approach to everything for a while.

We will have a service in a couple of days, then sit shiva after that, with a break for the Sabbath. The whole thing last night was so strange. We waited for the hospice nurse to come so she could declare her dead. We waited for two guys from the funeral home to remove the body. We hid in the guest bedroom of her apartment because none of us wanted to see them carry her out. We sat around telling stories, working out details of the days to come, and comforting whichever person broke down whenever it happened. Man, I didn't want to see the body, but that ship sailed quickly. She was just a husk of the vibrant, strong woman who treated me like family from the moment we met about four months after I started dating her daughter. That was almost 30 years ago.

I didn't want to have to tell people she's gone. I texted a couple of close friends who have been checking up on me throughout this process. I texted my younger brother, who met my mother-in-law twice. He and his wife adored her. They affectionately refer to her as a legend. She had an amazing gift for connecting with people. A line checking out of a store was an opportunity for a deep conversation with a stranger. I'm going to miss my wife saying, "Ma! Stop talking to strangers. Let's go."

In some ways, this is harder than losing my mother. Then, I was just focused on my grief. Now, it's the two most important people in my life who are hurting most. Maybe I shouldn't ramble on about it on a message board. Maybe that's exactly what I should do.

This forking sucks.

Ramble away. This stuff is important.

I hope it helps, and I think it probably will.

Thanks for sharing.